I haven't been updating much because it's been very quiet here. We are not cycling again until February, at least. In the meantime, I have been advised to start taking 75 mg of DHEA daily, for the next 60 days. This is the same DHEA that bodybuilders use, but I don't know why they use it! In my case, it is supposed to help grow follicles. It is a bit of a controversial supplement when used for fertility. Not too many research studies have been done on it. But my RE tells me that he's done case studies on it and in 50% of those cases, it has worked. We always have the odds of a coin toss it seems.
We will most likely be on the same protocol as last time (antagonist) using the same meds; if anything, at a higher dosage. With this information, I have been able to begin my quest to accumulate as many donated drugs as possible before we begin. So far I have gotten 2 girls to donate 1650 ius of follistim. I will most likely need about 4500 units, so this is a start. It's about $700 per 900 units, so every donation is a huge help.
Merry Christmas & here's to some good luck in 2010!
So in love...
Our Furbaby
Here's Hercules (aka Bear)
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
still spotting...
It only stopped for a few hours and now it is just getting heavier and closer in color to red. I am losing hope quickly. I wish Friday would just get here already.
Monday, December 7, 2009
10 dpiui
It's now 10 days since my IUI. I went for my weekly acupuncture this morning. While I was lying on the table, I got the weirdest cramp in my belly. After I was done with my treatment, I went to pee and I noticed I started spotting, bright pink. It is definitely too early to be my period. I am hoping the meds didn't mess up my cycle. I am secretly hoping this is just blood from my baby implanting itself. The spotting has stopped, so we'll see if it comes back. I know it means nothing...people bleed all the time at this point in their cycle, pregnant or not. But I think I would rather NOT be spotting. It just makes me a little nervous.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
I hate to wait!
Waiting is the worst...time went so fast the first two weeks and now the bottom half is just dragging! I found out my progesterone is looking good so I don't have to do any more shots! Acupuncture went well today. He used a needle in a fertility point near the tip of my middle finger (how perfect). I didn't feel the needle but about 10 minutes into it, my whole reproductive area got this heavy feeling and I fell asleep! The funniest thing about the acupuncture is that it is supposed to detox you and get things moving, and after I am done I always have to run to the bathroom and pee for a minute straight! That is how I know it is doing something...it drains me, literally!
Back to waiting...
Back to waiting...
Friday, November 27, 2009
Let the 2WW begin!
I had my IUIs done yesterday and today and it was a lot less traumatic than I had envisioned. It literally took 30 seconds. That, of course, is not counting the hour and half we waited yesterday and the two hours we waited today to be seen by the doctor. The good news is Gene's count seems to have gone up or at least the "boys" are healthier. I will attribute that to his giving up coffee, but in all honesty, it could be a million different factors. Right now I am all crampy and can pretty much guarantee I was ovulating today (in fact, it began exactly 36 hours from my Ovidrel shot, which is what the doctor told me would happen). So the timing couldn't be better.
I'll be back to the doctor on Monday to have my progesterone tested. If it is not high enough, I will have to do another shot. I'm curious to see what it is, because it's usually on the low side.
positive thoughts...
I'll be back to the doctor on Monday to have my progesterone tested. If it is not high enough, I will have to do another shot. I'm curious to see what it is, because it's usually on the low side.
positive thoughts...
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
It's on!
Tomorrow and Friday I will have back-to-back inseminations. Bring on the turkey baster! My follicle is measuring 20 and my lining is 8. So everything looks good and I will trigger tonight at 8 pm. Something to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!
Beta will be on 12/11, the day before Gene's birthday getaway. I was thinking to cancel the trip to save some money but I really think if I get bad news on that Friday I will want to get out of here for the weekend, and if it is good news then we'll want to celebrate anyway. So the timing is good! :)
Beta will be on 12/11, the day before Gene's birthday getaway. I was thinking to cancel the trip to save some money but I really think if I get bad news on that Friday I will want to get out of here for the weekend, and if it is good news then we'll want to celebrate anyway. So the timing is good! :)
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Converted to IUI
We have decided to move ahead with the IUI, since the IVF has been canceled. I think as long as my other 4 follicles don't start acting up in the next couple days, I will be ready to trigger (give myself a shot of ovidrel) ovulation and then do back-to-back inseminations on Thursday and Friday. I am hoping my uterine lining thickens in time, it is at 6 mm now and I think it needs to be at 8. My follicle was 17 mm today, shy 1 mm of being ready, which equates to $400 more I needed to spend to be monitored an additional day. Can my body be any slower?? Seriously...
So tomorrow morning I go back at 5:30 am, again. And HOPE to hear that the follie is 18 mm, my lining is at least 7 mm, and I can trigger Wed night. What I bet I will hear is, your follicle is still 17, lining is still 6, you need to buy another $400 worth of meds for the night, and then come back tomorrow at 5:30 am and spend another $400 on an ultrasound. It is insane the time and money that ONE cycle days adds on.
Will update tomorrow on my turkey baster status.
So tomorrow morning I go back at 5:30 am, again. And HOPE to hear that the follie is 18 mm, my lining is at least 7 mm, and I can trigger Wed night. What I bet I will hear is, your follicle is still 17, lining is still 6, you need to buy another $400 worth of meds for the night, and then come back tomorrow at 5:30 am and spend another $400 on an ultrasound. It is insane the time and money that ONE cycle days adds on.
Will update tomorrow on my turkey baster status.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Cycle is cancelled
Again, I am too upset to cry. I think I just accept bad news as the norm these days. I have one "runaway" follicle as they call it. It is 16mm and the other 4 they can see are all less than 10, meaning they haven't grown at all. So there is no option to wait for the others to grow, because the one at 16 will be mature and ready to ovulate in a few days. I can't believe on this amount of meds I produced one egg. And to hear girls talk about their 20 eggs, 30 eggs, 40 eggs...makes me sick. I am going to see if we can convert this cycle to an IUI cycle. It isn't going to give us a 50% chance but it might at least boost it to 15%. I think the worst part is, I have no plan if IVF didn't work. I always have a plan! And now I just feel like I am lost wandering some unknown land.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
All About E2
I found this online and thought it was interesting and explains it a lot better than my doctor did:
"Estradiol: What It Is and What It Tells Us.
The level of estradiol is measured in almost every blood sample taken during the monitoring of almost every type of assisted pregnancy. It is arguably the most informative of the three tests. Because of this, we will spend more time and space on estradiol. Don't worry-- the other two won't be nearly as long.
Estradiol is a hormone that stimulates the lining of the uterus, causing the lining to grow, and to make itself ready for embryo arrival. (This is not estradiol's only function, but for us, it's the important one). Estradiol is tied into pregnancy by it's method of production: oocytes (eggs) contain follicles. These developing follicles contain 'granulosa cells'. These granulosa cells synthesize the estradiol and release it into the blood circulation.
This means that more follicles produce more estradiol. This helps measure how many follicles are actively developing. The longer they continue to develop, the longer the estradiol level continues. As they develop, the level continues to rise. This rise can further indicate that the oocyte within the follicles is reaching its maturity.
An example of the use of estradiol level is when it is measured during down-regulation cycles. In down-regulation we expect low levels of estradiol: below 30pg/ml. If levels are not this low, this suggests that the ovaries are not yet suppressed, and that the down-regulation should continue a little longer, until they actually are suppressed.
Estradiol And Ultrasound Scans
Blood estradiol is also used in combination with ultrasound scans. Taken together they help indicate how (and if) the ovaries are responding to stimulation. Is there a response? Is it adequate? Is it excessive? To tell us this, the blood level has to be viewed in relation to the stage of pregnancy and the day in the cycle in which the level is being taken.
For example, a level of 1500 pg/ml on day eleven might be considered acceptable in a stimulated cycle, as reflecting the presence of a reasonable number of mature follicles. However, if this level were present on day eight, it would be considered unacceptably high. It would almost certainly reflect the presence of an excess of follicles. At this stage (day eight) they would still be Immature ones. Their quantity, however, would suggest that continued stimulation would carry an unacceptable risk of developing OHSS-- ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.
Don't Expect Easy Comparison
Before we continue, one important point: levels of estradiol are not the same from person to person. They cannot simply be compared from one to another. People vary-- everyone is slightly different, and everyone responds to a different degree. Some more so than others. A level that is dangerously high in one person-- or dangerously low in a second-- might be normal and healthy for a third. This is why blood levels can't just simply be compared. It's also why blood levels can't always be interpreted with complete certainty in the first cycles. Without prior cycles to 'calibrate' the levels, the meaning of a level can only be determined as to what it usually means-- what it 'probably', or perhaps even 'almost certainly' means.
Despite individual variation, estradiol level does provide very useful information.
A Rough Rule-of-Thumb for Good Estradiol Levels.
Exact figures are not possible. As a rough guide, however, a level in the range of 150 to 500 pg/ml is generally considered reasonable for the eighth day of a stimulated cycle. An approximate doubling of this level every 48 hours is considered promising, as a sign of continued good follicle development.
When the Estradiol Level Stays Flat or Begins to Fall.
Occasionally, the level of estradiol fails to rise during a cycle, or even falls. If this happens it strongly suggests that the follicles are not responding appropriately, and that the oocytes within will not be of good quality. Under these circumstances our advice is almost invariably to cancel the cycle, because a change in stimulation protocol may yield more oocytes-- and healthier ones-- in a later attempt.
Low Estradiol Not Always a Problem
A more common situation is when the level is low in the early part of the cycle. The choice then is to either carry on with the same amount of stimulation, to increase the amount of stimulation, or to cancel the cycle. This decision has to be based on a number of factors. These include:
the previous response to stimulation chronological age how low the level is
the ultrasound appearance of the ovaries is there a pressing need to ensure that an optimal number of oocytes are obtained, as in the case for couples with male factor infertility?
How It All Comes Together with Estradiol.
It should be clear from all of the above that estradiol levels do not tell the entire story by themselves. One level leads us to advise a couple to cancel. The same level in another couple leads us to suggest continuing.
We've already discussed levels that are low. When levels are high, we have the same choice: change the stimulation (reduce it), or cancel the cycle. The criteria to consider are the same as for low levels. The one additional factor is that with high levels we also think carefully about OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome). When assessing the risk of OHSS we look to previous cycles, if there are any. Any suggestions from these cycles of OHSS problems would quite definitely weigh heavily towards cancelling the cycle.
When the decision is to proceed, levels of estradiol continue to be monitored. If they continue to exceed acceptable levels, even with reduction in stimulation, we might reassess the cycle, and once again advise cancelling. If however they do return to normal levels, then the cycle will continue.
What is the limit of acceptable estradiol level? Acceptable levels vary-- it's not possible to give a definite, absolute number. However, any level of 4000 pg/ml or above does require careful consideration. Levels that are much in excess of this usually do lead to cancellation, though not always.
What about the lower limit? This too involves many factors. However, if the estradiol level has not reached a minimum of 600pg/ml then our usual policy is to discontinue the cycle. In practice we usually don't proceed unless the ultrasound shows three or more mature follicles. Since estradiol levels and the total number of follicles are related (as discussed in the beginning of this essay), this by itself eliminates most of the possibility for levels at or below this lower limit. Three or more mature follicles will, under most circumstances, secrete enough estradiol by themselves to give a level in excess of this minimum."
"Estradiol: What It Is and What It Tells Us.
The level of estradiol is measured in almost every blood sample taken during the monitoring of almost every type of assisted pregnancy. It is arguably the most informative of the three tests. Because of this, we will spend more time and space on estradiol. Don't worry-- the other two won't be nearly as long.
Estradiol is a hormone that stimulates the lining of the uterus, causing the lining to grow, and to make itself ready for embryo arrival. (This is not estradiol's only function, but for us, it's the important one). Estradiol is tied into pregnancy by it's method of production: oocytes (eggs) contain follicles. These developing follicles contain 'granulosa cells'. These granulosa cells synthesize the estradiol and release it into the blood circulation.
This means that more follicles produce more estradiol. This helps measure how many follicles are actively developing. The longer they continue to develop, the longer the estradiol level continues. As they develop, the level continues to rise. This rise can further indicate that the oocyte within the follicles is reaching its maturity.
An example of the use of estradiol level is when it is measured during down-regulation cycles. In down-regulation we expect low levels of estradiol: below 30pg/ml. If levels are not this low, this suggests that the ovaries are not yet suppressed, and that the down-regulation should continue a little longer, until they actually are suppressed.
Estradiol And Ultrasound Scans
Blood estradiol is also used in combination with ultrasound scans. Taken together they help indicate how (and if) the ovaries are responding to stimulation. Is there a response? Is it adequate? Is it excessive? To tell us this, the blood level has to be viewed in relation to the stage of pregnancy and the day in the cycle in which the level is being taken.
For example, a level of 1500 pg/ml on day eleven might be considered acceptable in a stimulated cycle, as reflecting the presence of a reasonable number of mature follicles. However, if this level were present on day eight, it would be considered unacceptably high. It would almost certainly reflect the presence of an excess of follicles. At this stage (day eight) they would still be Immature ones. Their quantity, however, would suggest that continued stimulation would carry an unacceptable risk of developing OHSS-- ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome.
Don't Expect Easy Comparison
Before we continue, one important point: levels of estradiol are not the same from person to person. They cannot simply be compared from one to another. People vary-- everyone is slightly different, and everyone responds to a different degree. Some more so than others. A level that is dangerously high in one person-- or dangerously low in a second-- might be normal and healthy for a third. This is why blood levels can't just simply be compared. It's also why blood levels can't always be interpreted with complete certainty in the first cycles. Without prior cycles to 'calibrate' the levels, the meaning of a level can only be determined as to what it usually means-- what it 'probably', or perhaps even 'almost certainly' means.
Despite individual variation, estradiol level does provide very useful information.
A Rough Rule-of-Thumb for Good Estradiol Levels.
Exact figures are not possible. As a rough guide, however, a level in the range of 150 to 500 pg/ml is generally considered reasonable for the eighth day of a stimulated cycle. An approximate doubling of this level every 48 hours is considered promising, as a sign of continued good follicle development.
When the Estradiol Level Stays Flat or Begins to Fall.
Occasionally, the level of estradiol fails to rise during a cycle, or even falls. If this happens it strongly suggests that the follicles are not responding appropriately, and that the oocytes within will not be of good quality. Under these circumstances our advice is almost invariably to cancel the cycle, because a change in stimulation protocol may yield more oocytes-- and healthier ones-- in a later attempt.
Low Estradiol Not Always a Problem
A more common situation is when the level is low in the early part of the cycle. The choice then is to either carry on with the same amount of stimulation, to increase the amount of stimulation, or to cancel the cycle. This decision has to be based on a number of factors. These include:
the previous response to stimulation chronological age how low the level is
the ultrasound appearance of the ovaries is there a pressing need to ensure that an optimal number of oocytes are obtained, as in the case for couples with male factor infertility?
How It All Comes Together with Estradiol.
It should be clear from all of the above that estradiol levels do not tell the entire story by themselves. One level leads us to advise a couple to cancel. The same level in another couple leads us to suggest continuing.
We've already discussed levels that are low. When levels are high, we have the same choice: change the stimulation (reduce it), or cancel the cycle. The criteria to consider are the same as for low levels. The one additional factor is that with high levels we also think carefully about OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome). When assessing the risk of OHSS we look to previous cycles, if there are any. Any suggestions from these cycles of OHSS problems would quite definitely weigh heavily towards cancelling the cycle.
When the decision is to proceed, levels of estradiol continue to be monitored. If they continue to exceed acceptable levels, even with reduction in stimulation, we might reassess the cycle, and once again advise cancelling. If however they do return to normal levels, then the cycle will continue.
What is the limit of acceptable estradiol level? Acceptable levels vary-- it's not possible to give a definite, absolute number. However, any level of 4000 pg/ml or above does require careful consideration. Levels that are much in excess of this usually do lead to cancellation, though not always.
What about the lower limit? This too involves many factors. However, if the estradiol level has not reached a minimum of 600pg/ml then our usual policy is to discontinue the cycle. In practice we usually don't proceed unless the ultrasound shows three or more mature follicles. Since estradiol levels and the total number of follicles are related (as discussed in the beginning of this essay), this by itself eliminates most of the possibility for levels at or below this lower limit. Three or more mature follicles will, under most circumstances, secrete enough estradiol by themselves to give a level in excess of this minimum."
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Slow but rising
The nurse called, my E2 levels are slow but rising and my follicles are slow but growing! So for now nothing is cancelled and let's pray my levels keep going up.
My lazy ovaries
After another 6 am doctor visit and a 2 hour wait in the waiting room, it looks like I am not responding to the max dosage of meds they can give me. My right ovary is growing one follicle, the rest are stagnant. The one follicle would be growing with or without the meds. The doctor I saw today said that by this time, something should be happening in there, and if my bloodwork results come back showing my hormone levels stagnant, then they will probably just cancel this cycle! I don't understand. My RE originally told me that it might take longer for me to stim because of how long I was on BC pills (3 months versus the typical 1 month they put you on). I have to wait for my nurse to call me this afternoon and tell me what to do...keep taking my meds or stop them altogether. But even if I continue taking them for another 2 days, I am losing hope that anything is going to grow in there. If I can't even grow an egg, how am I ever going to grow a baby? :(
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
So far so good
Everything is going according to plan so far, just one minor blip. I apparently have hypothyroidism. Where this came from, I don't know. The nurse tells me it is genetic, yet no one in my family has it. I seem to be the first of many things in my family tree...and not in a good way! The only reason I even believe this new diagnosis is that I have the worst night sweats where I wake up and am drenched in sweat, almost like I stepped out of a cold shower. But I don't feel sluggish in general. I read that if left unchecked, hypothyroidism can cause miscarriages. So I will diligently take my meds now but I can't promise I will stay on them for life (luckily they are only $5...in case I do have to).
At my last u/s, they found an 8th follicle, so that's good. The more, the better the chance of more eggs. I go in again tomorrow morning to be monitored.
I am still on the same meds, with no side effects (yay!) but now my belly is starting to get bruised and tender from all the shots. I have been doing 3 shots a night, even though it is 2 meds. They overfill one of the vials, so you can always squeeze out a little more from one vial but it means not getting an exact dose so you have to do a second injection from a new vial to get the correct dosage. It's worth it considering one vial costs $700.
I think someone else I know is pregnant. I don't know for certain, but my pregnancy intuition has kicked in.
At my last u/s, they found an 8th follicle, so that's good. The more, the better the chance of more eggs. I go in again tomorrow morning to be monitored.
I am still on the same meds, with no side effects (yay!) but now my belly is starting to get bruised and tender from all the shots. I have been doing 3 shots a night, even though it is 2 meds. They overfill one of the vials, so you can always squeeze out a little more from one vial but it means not getting an exact dose so you have to do a second injection from a new vial to get the correct dosage. It's worth it considering one vial costs $700.
I think someone else I know is pregnant. I don't know for certain, but my pregnancy intuition has kicked in.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I shot myself up...
...twice...all by myself! I am very proud of myself, not that I am afraid of needles (if my piercings and tattoos didn't give that away) but I was very afraid I was going to do it wrong. The instructions are WAY more detailed than they need to be, and after reading them for the umpteenth time, I realized 90% was about keeping everything sterile. easy!
Our bloodwork and ultrasound went well this morning. Gene and I left the house at 5:45 am and got there a bit before 6 and there were already at least 10 people there waiting! But they move quickly, especially for that time of day! Bloodwork/urine were fine and then the ultrasound showed I have 7 follies (follicles which we want to mature to release eggs) to start with which is o.k. Anything above 5 is acceptable to start IVF. So 7 is by no means spectacular, but it is a starting point. I THINK the Follistim I am injecting is supposed to make more follies but I am not sure, it may only be meant to mature the ones I already have there to begin with. I'll have to google that and find an answer.
Tonight I injected my first dose of Follistim (450 units, which is the max dose) and 15 iu of low dose HCG, which is the pregnancy hormone, so it seems they want to trick my brain into thinking it is pregnant...again, not sure why...I'll have to read up on that too.
I feel okay so far, just all tingly in my belly but that could all just be in my head, or it could be from the injection site, or it could be the menstrual cramps I am having, or the endo pain which has reared its ugly head again, only 4 days after being off BC pills. And I am really thirsty, which is more likely my dinner from Panera than a side effect of either drug.
Tomorrow and Monday I get to do my shots again, and then on Tuesday I'll be going back in for another ultrasound to see how my follies are growing (let's hope) or not growing (which would be bad given I am on the max dose of meds).
Grow follicles, grow!!
Our bloodwork and ultrasound went well this morning. Gene and I left the house at 5:45 am and got there a bit before 6 and there were already at least 10 people there waiting! But they move quickly, especially for that time of day! Bloodwork/urine were fine and then the ultrasound showed I have 7 follies (follicles which we want to mature to release eggs) to start with which is o.k. Anything above 5 is acceptable to start IVF. So 7 is by no means spectacular, but it is a starting point. I THINK the Follistim I am injecting is supposed to make more follies but I am not sure, it may only be meant to mature the ones I already have there to begin with. I'll have to google that and find an answer.
Tonight I injected my first dose of Follistim (450 units, which is the max dose) and 15 iu of low dose HCG, which is the pregnancy hormone, so it seems they want to trick my brain into thinking it is pregnant...again, not sure why...I'll have to read up on that too.
I feel okay so far, just all tingly in my belly but that could all just be in my head, or it could be from the injection site, or it could be the menstrual cramps I am having, or the endo pain which has reared its ugly head again, only 4 days after being off BC pills. And I am really thirsty, which is more likely my dinner from Panera than a side effect of either drug.
Tomorrow and Monday I get to do my shots again, and then on Tuesday I'll be going back in for another ultrasound to see how my follies are growing (let's hope) or not growing (which would be bad given I am on the max dose of meds).
Grow follicles, grow!!
Monday, November 9, 2009
Our story is finally being written
We begin our first IVF cycle this Saturday!
I feel like I know so many people who have gone through this (not IRL, my online friends) and I have seen so many different outcomes and reveled in so many different emotions (I am highly empathetic and feel like everyone's battles are my own battles). I can't believe that it is finally time to write our story. I know that this story isn't guaranteed to have a happy ending, but to have the chance alone makes it all worthwhile. I feel like we've been trying to write this story of ours for so long, but our pen was out of ink. Someone just handed us a new pen, filled with ink, and for that I am so grateful.
I am very optimistic right now. I (re)started acupuncture today and feel my inner strength slowly returning. I feel like there is no obstacle I can't overcome. I wonder if this over-optimism is going to do me in. Maybe I should be more realistic? Should I anticipate the worst and hope for the best? Or is it possible to fool your mind into making your body work the way you want it to? Mind over matter?
So my meds are ordered, and they'll be here on Wednesday. My doctor is letting me order portions at a time to try and keep costs down (they usually order more than necessary and you end up with a ton leftover which you can't return) PLUS my doctor is donating 1500 iu's of one medication to me which is $1000 worth. What a huge help! They get donations from patients who over-ordered and pass them along to OOP patients. I guess my timing was finally right on for something!
Saturday I go in (at 6 am! ugh! wait...no complaining allowed here!) for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. If everything looks good, I can go ahead and start my injections that night. What I mean by if everything looks good is if all my hormone levels are within the normal range. My RE already warned me if my FSH has skyrocketed, IVF is out of the question...it wouldn't be worth it. So I will be crossing my fingers for a reading of less than 14.4, which was my highest level to date.
What a journey this is going to be!
I feel like I know so many people who have gone through this (not IRL, my online friends) and I have seen so many different outcomes and reveled in so many different emotions (I am highly empathetic and feel like everyone's battles are my own battles). I can't believe that it is finally time to write our story. I know that this story isn't guaranteed to have a happy ending, but to have the chance alone makes it all worthwhile. I feel like we've been trying to write this story of ours for so long, but our pen was out of ink. Someone just handed us a new pen, filled with ink, and for that I am so grateful.
I am very optimistic right now. I (re)started acupuncture today and feel my inner strength slowly returning. I feel like there is no obstacle I can't overcome. I wonder if this over-optimism is going to do me in. Maybe I should be more realistic? Should I anticipate the worst and hope for the best? Or is it possible to fool your mind into making your body work the way you want it to? Mind over matter?
So my meds are ordered, and they'll be here on Wednesday. My doctor is letting me order portions at a time to try and keep costs down (they usually order more than necessary and you end up with a ton leftover which you can't return) PLUS my doctor is donating 1500 iu's of one medication to me which is $1000 worth. What a huge help! They get donations from patients who over-ordered and pass them along to OOP patients. I guess my timing was finally right on for something!
Saturday I go in (at 6 am! ugh! wait...no complaining allowed here!) for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. If everything looks good, I can go ahead and start my injections that night. What I mean by if everything looks good is if all my hormone levels are within the normal range. My RE already warned me if my FSH has skyrocketed, IVF is out of the question...it wouldn't be worth it. So I will be crossing my fingers for a reading of less than 14.4, which was my highest level to date.
What a journey this is going to be!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Privacy Please
My blog is no longer public, so if you are reading it, feel special :) It is VIP and by invitation only. Okay, you can now cross the metaphorical velvet rope.
This past week has been crazy! After talking in depth with our RE, we have decided it is in everyone's best interest (okay, just mine and Gene's) to move forward with IVF. It seems we have a lot working against us. If it was just one issue, with me, or if I were fine and Gene had one issue, we would have a lot more choices. Continue trying on our own, or even start off with IUI. My RE sadly told us we just have bad luck. That someone my age should not have to be facing all these obstacles. He said if we wanted to use donor eggs we would have a lot more time to work with. We could dilly-dally until I'm 40. But if I want this to be OUR (genetic) baby, we have to move and move quickly. My eggs are what they consider to be "aging." Actually I think he said "old" but let's just call them aging. Given that, plus my endo, plus Gene's poor morphology, our chances to get pregnant on our own are probably 1-5% and with IVF less than 50%. I don't have a plan beyond this one cycle. I told Gene that if this doesn't work we should just take it as a sign, and spend the rest of our lives by ourselves traveling. I don't think I really mean that, but it makes me feel better to THINK I would be okay with this. I am trying to fool my own subconscious!
I am staying positive about the whole situation and trying not to get whiny and ask "why me?" I deeply believe this is all unraveling the way it is meant to.
This week has been spent calling different pharmacies and getting prices on all the meds I will need to be on. The list is overwhelming:
DOXYCYCLINE 100 MG CAPSULE
This past week has been crazy! After talking in depth with our RE, we have decided it is in everyone's best interest (okay, just mine and Gene's) to move forward with IVF. It seems we have a lot working against us. If it was just one issue, with me, or if I were fine and Gene had one issue, we would have a lot more choices. Continue trying on our own, or even start off with IUI. My RE sadly told us we just have bad luck. That someone my age should not have to be facing all these obstacles. He said if we wanted to use donor eggs we would have a lot more time to work with. We could dilly-dally until I'm 40. But if I want this to be OUR (genetic) baby, we have to move and move quickly. My eggs are what they consider to be "aging." Actually I think he said "old" but let's just call them aging. Given that, plus my endo, plus Gene's poor morphology, our chances to get pregnant on our own are probably 1-5% and with IVF less than 50%. I don't have a plan beyond this one cycle. I told Gene that if this doesn't work we should just take it as a sign, and spend the rest of our lives by ourselves traveling. I don't think I really mean that, but it makes me feel better to THINK I would be okay with this. I am trying to fool my own subconscious!
I am staying positive about the whole situation and trying not to get whiny and ask "why me?" I deeply believe this is all unraveling the way it is meant to.
This week has been spent calling different pharmacies and getting prices on all the meds I will need to be on. The list is overwhelming:
DOXYCYCLINE 100 MG CAPSULE
METHYLPREDNISOLONE 16 MG TA
MONOJECT .5ML SYRN 28GX1/2
B-D NEEDLES 18G 1.5
PLASTIPAK 3ML 22GX11/2
PROGESTERONE OIL 50 MG/ML V
OVIDREL 250 MCG/0.5 ML SYRG
GANIRELIX ACET 250 MCG/0.5M
FOLLISTIM AQ 900 UNIT CARTR
LOW DOSE HCG 10IU/0.15CC
FOLLISTIM AQ 600 UNIT CARTR
FOLLISTIM AQ 300 UNIT CART
The goal is to inject myself with lots of hormones and grow and mature as many eggs as possible so they can "harvest" them. I've heard they can get as few as 4 and as many as 30 eggs. The more eggs, the better chance that there will be some high quality ones in there!
I'll probably be ordering the meds on Monday and once I get all my consent forms signed and notarized and then get financially cleared, we'll be ready to start.
Overwhelming but very exciting! Please send your positive thoughts and vibes our way!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Got an appt!
I was able to get an appointment with my RE for next Tuesday at 9 am! His assistant told me that due to my circumstances she wants to get me in to see him asap and instead of his usual 1/2 hour appointment she is going to block off an hour of his time so we can discuss all my options. WHEW! I thought for sure I would be waiting until December to get in to see him! In the meantime, I need to gather all my new medical reports from my ob/gyn and urologist. I'll be picking them up tomorrow and HAND delivering them to the RE on Friday so they have them well before my appointment. I don't trust anyone "faxing" my medical records because they never get where they need to be. So the extra footwork is worth the peace of mind that they are there.
I feel hopeful, at least for a moment.
I feel hopeful, at least for a moment.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Too tired to cry
Do you ever feel so emotionally drained that you don't even have the strength to cry? I feel like I could use a good cry. I tried to make myself cry. I think one tear came out. You know something is wrong when I can't cry--I am the biggest baby and cry about anything, happy or sad. I am just spent.
My urologist never called my gyno. Thanks for the wonderful follow-up hot doc. You are now on my shit list. I guess this just doesn't seem all that important? I am desperately trying to get an appt to see my RE but they will not call me back to schedule it. I did talk to my ob/gyn today and told her the diagnosis myself and she spewed out a bunch of information about endo that I already knew from google. She also poo-pooed my use of google to get information. Yet all her information was the same as google. She confirmed my fear that if I go on Lupron it would be for 6 months. Of course I just KNEW it wouldn't be the 1 month or 3 month protocol. Then after Lupron I would have to go back on BC pills. I am not sure which part of "I am trying to get pregnant" she doesn't understand! But she says I should try to kick the endo's ass before trying to get pregnant. She thinks if we do fertility treatments, the meds they use might hyperstimulate me and cause me to bleed into my bladder. But she said there is a Lupon flare protocol they use which could quiet down the endo before doing the treatments. She said my best bet is to talk to my RE.
Oh and I found out if we want to go the IVF route, we would most likely not be accepted into the "pre-paid shared risk" program where you buy cycles upfront and get your money back if you don't get pregnant. I don't know if I could handle the stress of paying for it cycle by cycle and it not working and losing that money entirely.
But, I am putting the horse before the cart. Not even sure if IVF is an option. Not sure if having a baby is an option. And mostly worried about the monstrous mass on my bladder trying to invade it and eat me alive. lol.
My urologist never called my gyno. Thanks for the wonderful follow-up hot doc. You are now on my shit list. I guess this just doesn't seem all that important? I am desperately trying to get an appt to see my RE but they will not call me back to schedule it. I did talk to my ob/gyn today and told her the diagnosis myself and she spewed out a bunch of information about endo that I already knew from google. She also poo-pooed my use of google to get information. Yet all her information was the same as google. She confirmed my fear that if I go on Lupron it would be for 6 months. Of course I just KNEW it wouldn't be the 1 month or 3 month protocol. Then after Lupron I would have to go back on BC pills. I am not sure which part of "I am trying to get pregnant" she doesn't understand! But she says I should try to kick the endo's ass before trying to get pregnant. She thinks if we do fertility treatments, the meds they use might hyperstimulate me and cause me to bleed into my bladder. But she said there is a Lupon flare protocol they use which could quiet down the endo before doing the treatments. She said my best bet is to talk to my RE.
Oh and I found out if we want to go the IVF route, we would most likely not be accepted into the "pre-paid shared risk" program where you buy cycles upfront and get your money back if you don't get pregnant. I don't know if I could handle the stress of paying for it cycle by cycle and it not working and losing that money entirely.
But, I am putting the horse before the cart. Not even sure if IVF is an option. Not sure if having a baby is an option. And mostly worried about the monstrous mass on my bladder trying to invade it and eat me alive. lol.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Diagnoses, plural
After the surgery, I didn't hear back from my urologist (surgeon). I called my gyn in the meantime and told her about the surgery and that they didn't find an actual mass in my bladder. She told me very straightforwardly, it is a subserosal fibroid and there is not much they can do about it, because the risks of the surgery outweigh the benefits. I spent a good part of the day on google trying to find out everything I could about fibroids and how to shrink them naturally, and then spent a good deal of time (and money) in Whole Foods the next day buying everything under the sun that google recommended. This weekend I started a liver detox program and cut out all red meat and sugar and refined white foods in an effort to naturally shrink my fibroid. I figured I would finish out my 2 weeks of BC pills and then take a month to "detox" (meaning detox all excess estrogen from my body) and then we could move onto the IUI that we were planning months ago.
I was all prepared to tell my urologist how good I feel and our plans when I saw him today. But when the nurse came in to check my blood pressure she flipped through my chart and said something like "oh i'm sorry about the biopsy, the doctor will talk to you more about it." and she left the room!! I was like WTF?! Then the doctor comes in and tells me that the biopsy came back as endometriosis. He shows me the pictures of my bladder and how the endo on my uterus is "eating into" and "pushing through" my bladder. And then he said the words that doctors just can't seem to say to me enough times: "I've never seen this before" as he shows me that the endo is pushing through so much that my bladder is actually red and inflamed on the inside. Which is what is causing me so much pain and discomfort.
We don't have any next steps yet, he needs to have a pow wow with my other doctor and see if they agree that putting me on Lupron is the best protocol. Lupron basically shuts down all hormones and puts you into menopause. ooooh....which now I am thinking of a good aspect of that....does that mean I wouldn't have my period for 6 months? That could be the one, and only, good side effect. Of course, being on Lupron for 6 months (6 months seems to be the longest, but also most common length of time to be on the drug) means no TTC for 6 months. I am so confused and not sure what to do. I'll update after I hear back from my doctor.
I was all prepared to tell my urologist how good I feel and our plans when I saw him today. But when the nurse came in to check my blood pressure she flipped through my chart and said something like "oh i'm sorry about the biopsy, the doctor will talk to you more about it." and she left the room!! I was like WTF?! Then the doctor comes in and tells me that the biopsy came back as endometriosis. He shows me the pictures of my bladder and how the endo on my uterus is "eating into" and "pushing through" my bladder. And then he said the words that doctors just can't seem to say to me enough times: "I've never seen this before" as he shows me that the endo is pushing through so much that my bladder is actually red and inflamed on the inside. Which is what is causing me so much pain and discomfort.
We don't have any next steps yet, he needs to have a pow wow with my other doctor and see if they agree that putting me on Lupron is the best protocol. Lupron basically shuts down all hormones and puts you into menopause. ooooh....which now I am thinking of a good aspect of that....does that mean I wouldn't have my period for 6 months? That could be the one, and only, good side effect. Of course, being on Lupron for 6 months (6 months seems to be the longest, but also most common length of time to be on the drug) means no TTC for 6 months. I am so confused and not sure what to do. I'll update after I hear back from my doctor.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Surgery is over but ordeal is not
I had my cysto yesterday. Everything went well, the doctors, nurses and staff at Florham Park Surgery Center were more than wonderful. Went in at 10 am and my 11:30 was getting my anesthesia and by 1:00 I was up and getting ready to go home. So the good news is, there is no tumor in my bladder. The doctor went in with his scope and took some pictures (which he showed me...pretty gross to see a high def color picture of my insides). He said the "mass" is actually pushing into my bladder wall from my uterus. It actually looks like someone is taking their fist and pushing into my bladder from the outside of it. He said whatever it is (he thinks it is almost definitely endo) is not right and shouldn't be there and it is definitely what has been causing me pain. I am pretty sure he said he was going to f/u with my ob/gyn to discuss next steps. I asked if I would need a laproscopy but he didn't seem to know.
When I got home yesterday I felt okay, they gave me some painkiller which made me really sleepy and of course antibiotics too. I'll just be drugged up for a few days and then can resume my regular activities. Just taking it easy today!
When I got home yesterday I felt okay, they gave me some painkiller which made me really sleepy and of course antibiotics too. I'll just be drugged up for a few days and then can resume my regular activities. Just taking it easy today!
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Why did I google?!
I got my pre-surgical paperwork in the mail and now at least I know what the name of the procedure is that I am having: a cysto TURBT. Warning: don't google it. All that comes up is stuff about bladder cancer! I understand this is the procedure they use to remove anything that MIGHT be a tumor but of course everything on google is about the tumors being cancerous. Also, it seems that although this is out-patient surgery, the recovery time might not be just one day as I hoped. I was all ready to go back to work the next day. Luckily that week is not one of my busier weeks. I am upset that the doctor doesn't give me more information. All I get is a checklist of things to avoid a week/a day before surgery. I have to go online and ONCE AGAIN be my own advocate and figure out how else to prep and what to expect afterward.
I am really getting nervous about this whole procedure now. It isn't even twilight anesthesia, it is general anesthesia, which I've had a bad reaction to before.
And to top it off, the pain has completely ceased. On my pain scale of 1-10 where it has always hovered around 1 or 2 on a good day...it is now at 0. So now I start to think, maybe it is going away on its own and this surgery is not even necessary! I know that can't be completely true, but my ob/gyn did say that if it was endometriosis of the bladder, the birth control pills would stop the pain. I guess there is no going back. Time to put on my brave face and keep moving ahead.
I am really getting nervous about this whole procedure now. It isn't even twilight anesthesia, it is general anesthesia, which I've had a bad reaction to before.
And to top it off, the pain has completely ceased. On my pain scale of 1-10 where it has always hovered around 1 or 2 on a good day...it is now at 0. So now I start to think, maybe it is going away on its own and this surgery is not even necessary! I know that can't be completely true, but my ob/gyn did say that if it was endometriosis of the bladder, the birth control pills would stop the pain. I guess there is no going back. Time to put on my brave face and keep moving ahead.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Slice of Life
Ah, more facebook pregnancy announcements. It's tough enough to read them, but then I torture myself and read the 50 comments posted below which all basically say the same thing. It doesn't just seem that everyone around me has a baby or is pregnant...it is actually the way things are! I guess that is what happens when you are 30! I was watching my favorite show Dexter (albeit, I am a season behind because we watch it on DVD rather than pay an extra $10 per month for showtime!). So in this season I am watching, his girlfriend gets KU. And she tells him that he can be a part of the baby's life or not, but either way, this baby is coming. It made me think--that I can either be angry, mad, bitter OR happy, grateful and blessed that my friends and family are having babies. Either way, the babies are coming. Being angry about it (or about my situation) is not going to stop or change anything. Why is it not surprising that I am taking advice from a show about a serial killer?
I am trying some new daily meditations...trying to change my outlook on things. I don't necessarily think it is as easy as putting my intentions out there and everything will change in my favor, but I do believe that changing my outlook will at least make my life more pleasant and bearable!
I am trying some new daily meditations...trying to change my outlook on things. I don't necessarily think it is as easy as putting my intentions out there and everything will change in my favor, but I do believe that changing my outlook will at least make my life more pleasant and bearable!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Crappy Anniversary
Our 6th wedding anniversary is approaching on October 5th. Every year we don't get to celebrate because there is always some event we have to go to. This year, there is another wedding that weekend, but at least it is on Friday the 2nd. So it just figures that SOMETHING would come up on October 5th, which is a Monday...of all days....the last day anything should come up.
Let's play....guess what got scheduled for Monday the 5th?
uh-huh. you guessed it! my surgery. I guess I should consider it lucky that it was not scheduled for the day of the wedding i have to attend.
all i have to say is keep it coming....whoever is in charge of this cruel joke, i can take it. you can't hold me down!!
On a happy note, I am keeping busy planning Gene's birthday surprise. He turns 35 on 12/14 so I am trying to plan something special....but it's a secret....!
Let's play....guess what got scheduled for Monday the 5th?
uh-huh. you guessed it! my surgery. I guess I should consider it lucky that it was not scheduled for the day of the wedding i have to attend.
all i have to say is keep it coming....whoever is in charge of this cruel joke, i can take it. you can't hold me down!!
On a happy note, I am keeping busy planning Gene's birthday surprise. He turns 35 on 12/14 so I am trying to plan something special....but it's a secret....!
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Room for baby
I spent yesterday cleaning the baby's room. Okay, technically it shouldn't be called the baby's room until there is a baby to be put in it. We actually call it Hercules' room :) We have managed to turn it into a complete dumping ground over the past year....may as well call it Costco. So I cleaned it all up and organized the closet. I feel like it is more welcoming now. Maybe this is some sort of feng shui thinking I am invoking.
In other news, the doctor never called last week to schedule my surgery. I feel like they are taking their sweet ass time while I sit here uncomfortably waiting. The past few days weren't bad, but last night the pain scale went from 0-4. I woke up at 4 am to pee and couldn't get back to sleep for a while. It was like someone was stabbing me in the bladder with a knife. I finally fell asleep in some sort of fetal, yoga-ish position with the duvet shoved up my crotch. As though making it comfortable from the outside would really help the inner pains!
In other yoga-related news, my yoga instructor left Prana Yoga :( I tried the new instructor but didn't like her as much. Seemed like to much of a workout and I'm really there just to stretch. I've found the best position for my back to fall asleep in is tree position, but a laying down version (obviously I am not sleeping standing up!). Try it sometime if your hips are tight....it really loosens things up!
In other news, the doctor never called last week to schedule my surgery. I feel like they are taking their sweet ass time while I sit here uncomfortably waiting. The past few days weren't bad, but last night the pain scale went from 0-4. I woke up at 4 am to pee and couldn't get back to sleep for a while. It was like someone was stabbing me in the bladder with a knife. I finally fell asleep in some sort of fetal, yoga-ish position with the duvet shoved up my crotch. As though making it comfortable from the outside would really help the inner pains!
In other yoga-related news, my yoga instructor left Prana Yoga :( I tried the new instructor but didn't like her as much. Seemed like to much of a workout and I'm really there just to stretch. I've found the best position for my back to fall asleep in is tree position, but a laying down version (obviously I am not sleeping standing up!). Try it sometime if your hips are tight....it really loosens things up!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
3-d Me
I had my CT scan this morning and all went well. I know it is not really anything to be nervous about but being there by myself and thinking about what the results may lead to left me shaking like a leaf. I was able to do some meditating on the table as we waited for the dye to make it's way through my body. I was imagining laying on the beach in Mexico drinking a fruity frozen drink. I relaxed in no time! After the dye passed through me (which felt REALLY weird, like a warm feeling gushing up my arm, down the back of my throat and into my bladder!) they did the scan which just took a few minutes. After it was done, the tech let me look at the computer images that the machine captured. I wish I could get a copy of it! It was so neat to see my internal organs and skeleton in 3-d! The mass in my bladder was clearly visible and geez it is really taking up a big part of my bladder! My doctor should have the results by day's end and hopefully he'll get in touch with me soon to schedule surgery, if that is necessary. It's been a long day. I need a cat nap after my ct scan!
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Feeling Overwhelmed
I have never had so many mood swings as I do lately. One minute I am fine, singing along to the radio, enjoying the gorgeous weather and then the next minute I am in tears. This is not how things were supposed to happen. I like when I have a plan, stick with it and see it through to the end. Now, I am so far off from the original plan, I fear I don't think I'll ever make it back. I am worried about myself. I know I am stressed; I just am not sure how stressed and how much stress I can actually handle without totally losing it. I wake up every night in a cold sweat, my jaw is aching because I am constantly grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw so tight, and these damn mood swings...
To f/u on my bladder issues, I saw a urologist yesterday, Dr. Zimmerman. He is ordering a CT scan so he can better see this mass, and then he is going to surgically remove it, and then biopsy it. I am hoping that once it is removed, this pain goes away (although today is a very minimal pain day which is one good thing!). We are on a forced break from TTC for now, until this is figured out. On a positive note, the doctor is young, good looking and compassionate :)
To f/u on my bladder issues, I saw a urologist yesterday, Dr. Zimmerman. He is ordering a CT scan so he can better see this mass, and then he is going to surgically remove it, and then biopsy it. I am hoping that once it is removed, this pain goes away (although today is a very minimal pain day which is one good thing!). We are on a forced break from TTC for now, until this is figured out. On a positive note, the doctor is young, good looking and compassionate :)
Sunday, August 30, 2009
R.I.P.
While I was starting up my business back in 2004, I had some spare time on my hands and was looking to make some extra money. I took on a job driving 3 kids home from school every day, it was easy money and on my way from one dog walking job to the next. I continued driving them for 2 years, not because I still needed the money, but because I really bonded with these kids. When my business got too busy to continue I had to give it up and we lost touch but I think about them often. I just got an email from their mom, that the oldest son, now 18, committed suicide. I am really bummed. He was such a nice kid. He liked to think he was edgy and dark but you could tell his heart was gold. I'll always have him to thank for enlightening me to the world of classic rock. RIP Frankie.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Something's Growing Inside Me....
...and of course it is not a baby. It is a mass. In my bladder. 4 cm, growing on the wall of my bladder to be exact. They don't know what it is yet. It showed up on the ultrasound I had done on Monday. My doctor called 2 days ago and left a message that she wanted to talk about the u/s but it was "nothing to be worried about." Then I finally talked to her today and she said she went back over the results and called the doctor who ran the report and now it seems there is this mass that somehow she missed on the original report.
I can't help but be pessimistic.
One step forward, two steps back. Always.
Off to the urologist next Wednesday.
I can't help but be pessimistic.
One step forward, two steps back. Always.
Off to the urologist next Wednesday.
One IUI...coming up!
We went to see a new gyno today, my husband teaches this Doctor tennis...that's how we know him. He spent a lot of time with us talking about our history and what we are going through. He thinks my other doctor is wrong for putting me back on the pill. He says it will probably take 6 months (not one or two) of being on the pill to see the effects from it. He suggests I stop at the end of this cycle. He suggested either going on Lupron which would suppress all my hormones (aka menopause) for one cycle and see if the pain gets better. Or he can do this potassium sensitivity test to see if I do have IC. Of course that tests involves a catheter up my urethra, not being sedated, and then they shoot potassium up there and if it causes excruciating pain, then you know you have IC. Wow, that sounds rather barbaric to me. It is hard to believe in this day and age, so many of these medical procedures involve so much pain!
The doctor seems to think if I get pregnant, this bladder pain will go away, at least WHILE I am pregnant. So he thinks we should concentrate of getting me KU, which I like. He wants to start me on 50 mg Clomid next cycle and then do an IUI when I ovulate. It is a pretty bare-bones version of IUI...no injectable meds and minimal monitoring. But it is not too expensive and I feel like it's a step in the right direction. So that is what we are planning to do. I just wish I could be more excited about all of this.
The doctor seems to think if I get pregnant, this bladder pain will go away, at least WHILE I am pregnant. So he thinks we should concentrate of getting me KU, which I like. He wants to start me on 50 mg Clomid next cycle and then do an IUI when I ovulate. It is a pretty bare-bones version of IUI...no injectable meds and minimal monitoring. But it is not too expensive and I feel like it's a step in the right direction. So that is what we are planning to do. I just wish I could be more excited about all of this.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Hard copy medical records came in....
It seems that my RE failed to mention that my husband's first SA showed 0% morphology. He told us it was "poor" and we should retest and when we did he told us it was still on the low side at 3%. Why I never asked the first time, I think I was just overwhelmed with all the info. Why he never brought it up is beyond me. Seems like a pretty important piece of info. Also to note, it increased 3% (kruger) in one month?!
One a happy note, I received a $400 check in the mail today from our RE. It looks like my insurance must've covered some of my OOP bloodwork after all!
And on a another note, today is day 6 of birth control pills and my bladder pain is still a bitch. U/S is scheduled for Monday, so maybe I'll have an answer soon as to what's ailing me in there!
Friday, August 14, 2009
IUI on hold
I finally made the decision to go forward with IUI. I felt good about the decision. It was a small step, but one in the right direction. I called the doctor and made an appointment for our consult visit on August 27th. In the meantime, I figured I would try to get a diagnosis for the pain I've been having in my bladder since my c/p last July. It is sort of a stabbing pain, or a heaviness in my pelvic floor and it is so bad when I have my period, that I cry (but only when I pee!).
So I saw my gyno today and after listening to my symptoms, she suspects it may be bladder endometriosis. There is no cure for it, it is only treated with pain management. In order to diagnose it, I have to go back on birth control pills. Maybe for 1 month, maybe 2, maybe 3. Just to see if my symptoms go away when I get my period, on the pill. If they do, then she can diagnose it as endo. But even so, there will be nothing I can do about it, except stay on the pill to manage the pain. Which obviously I can't do if I am trying to get KU! It is so frustrating. Why did I wait to go see the doctor?...I should have gone months ago.
Why do I feel like there is some greater force trying to do everything to prevent me from getting pregnant? This is all beyond frustrating.
So I saw my gyno today and after listening to my symptoms, she suspects it may be bladder endometriosis. There is no cure for it, it is only treated with pain management. In order to diagnose it, I have to go back on birth control pills. Maybe for 1 month, maybe 2, maybe 3. Just to see if my symptoms go away when I get my period, on the pill. If they do, then she can diagnose it as endo. But even so, there will be nothing I can do about it, except stay on the pill to manage the pain. Which obviously I can't do if I am trying to get KU! It is so frustrating. Why did I wait to go see the doctor?...I should have gone months ago.
Why do I feel like there is some greater force trying to do everything to prevent me from getting pregnant? This is all beyond frustrating.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
A year ago today....
....I found out I was pregnant. Never in a million years did I think that a year later, I would still be without a child. I feel like today is a benchmark I have to face in order to move on. The one-year mark. I should have put this behind me long ago. But I feel like it is all I have. One cycle out of twenty-four, it happened. I don't know if that gives me hope, or renders me hopeless. It makes me mad to think about the people who told me that having a m/c means my body is ready to be pregnant and it will happen again in no time. Well, if by no time they meant never, then right on. I hate how bitter I have become. I was always able to look on the bright side, but lately I find there is no bright side to i/f.
I can't believe I even saved this picture but I have such an immense fear that I will never see another positive HPT that I can't bear to delete this. I think that day was the last day where I was truly happy without an ounce of this bitterness.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Devil dogs
OMG. This may be the answer to my i/f financial worries.
John Madden (of the NJ Devils) was traded to Chicago for next season. His new salary is $2.75 million for the year. He needs someone to watch his 3 dogs for 9 months. Is it crazy for me to even think to ask for 1% of his salary to do this for him?? That would pay for IVF, one fresh cycle, one frozen cycle plus extra money to boot.
I don't know if $27,500 is a lot to a millionaire. 1% of a yearly salary is like peanuts, no?
Please, God, let this be a sign. Please let this be the money tree I have been praying for.
LOL. Well in any case, it would be cool to watch an NHL player's dogs. I love the Devils. Although technically he is no longer a Devil.
John Madden (of the NJ Devils) was traded to Chicago for next season. His new salary is $2.75 million for the year. He needs someone to watch his 3 dogs for 9 months. Is it crazy for me to even think to ask for 1% of his salary to do this for him?? That would pay for IVF, one fresh cycle, one frozen cycle plus extra money to boot.
I don't know if $27,500 is a lot to a millionaire. 1% of a yearly salary is like peanuts, no?
Please, God, let this be a sign. Please let this be the money tree I have been praying for.
LOL. Well in any case, it would be cool to watch an NHL player's dogs. I love the Devils. Although technically he is no longer a Devil.
Why not us?
My sister called me last nigh to tell me she's KU. My first reaction was shock and happiness (I knew they were TTC) but then I lost it. I started crying and told her I wasn't mad or anything, but I need to let this sink in. Then I cried straight through Bachelorette. Way to ruin the only thing I look forward to on Mondays. I cried during the night. And I cried a little this morning. Gene didn't have much to say to me or comfort to offer me (other than a hug which is always nice). I feel so alone. My sis is 2 years older than me and her husband is almost 40. So I am glad they were able to conceive (she actually had an appt set up with my RE for September) but at the same time....if them...why not us?
I think I need counseling. I'm such a mess lately.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Some days you're the dog....
...and some days you're the hydrant. That is how I felt yesterday! Is that even the correct saying? Sometimes things sound right in my head, but I have them all mixed up!
I had a consultation with a new client on Saturday. Usually these consults last a half hour, or an hour max when the people are particularly chatty. Well, this one lasted two hours! TWO HOURS! The woman must've been lonely or something....but she really raised some red flags during the meeting, especially when she started talking about the lakes in her town and how she has contacted to head of water treatment in said town to make sure there is no fecal matter in the water; how the answer to the problem of too many water bottles would be installing water vending machines everywhere that would dispense glass cups; how I am NOT to pick up her dog's poop because poop is natural and the bag I use to pick it up will take 20 years to disintergrate. Oh and lastly how she had me create a new line item on my contract that states I will not sue her if her dog bites me!
Yesterday was my first walk with her dog. She wasn't supposed to be home, her mom was going to be there. She told me just to walk in because the doors are always unlocked. I didn't want to just barge in unannounced, so I rang the bell. But guess who answers the door...not the mom, but my client (who was supposed to be at some super-important seminars in the city). She greets me and tells me she decided to stay home and schedule some doctor appointments for the day (hopefully a psychiatrist). Then she yells at me for ringing the bell and scaring the dog. Then she asks didn't I see her through the glass on the sides of the front door. UM NO that is why I rang the bell, genius. Then she asks, "Would it be better for you to have a WINDOW of time to get here, rather than a definitive time? Didn't we agree on 1:30?" It was 1:35. I was 5 minutes late. Which to a dog, is not late, being they can't tell time. Finally I get out of the house with the dog, but of course the dog is trying to pull me back to the house because his owner is there (and everyone should know that dogs never want to leave the house when the owner is there). Although if I were this dog, I would be high-tailin' it out of there. Literally.
I am not 4 houses away, when I hear a car pulling up behind me. I knew it was her before I even looked. So she parks the car in the middle of the street and hops out and starts asking me if the collar on the dog is loose. Will it slip off, she inquires? She starts adjusting the collar and yelling at me for not checking to see if it was too loose before I left. It is my responsibility, she tells me. No shit! But it wasn't loose. I can always tell if the collar is loose as soon as I start walking, especially if a dog is pulling one way or another. So she tightens the already tight collar and asks me if I think it will come off if he pulls. I say no, but she doesn't trust my judgment, so she tries for a minute straight (no exaggeration) to pull the tightened collar off the dog's head. She was using all her muscle to pull it off. Now even if it did come off, the dog doesn't have that much strength to pull and get it off during a walk! When she was finally satisfied and reminded me again that I need to make sure it is tight before I leave (but also make sure I loosen it when I return home) she peeled off in reverse in her SUV.
Now as I was walking I felt like I was being watched (insert Geico music). I put on my ipod to get my mind off crazy-woman. The dog was desperately trying to get back to the house because he was reminded AGAIN that his owner was there. Well not 3 minutes later, I hear a car behind me. I pulled the dog close to me as crazy-lady pulls up next to me. She starts telling me that this is a very busy street (no it's not, it is a dead end in the woods) and there are a lot of cars driving fast (no, only you crazy, only you) and....well, before she could finish her sentence I said, "I KNOW. You want me to walk your dog on the other side, away from the cars." And I take the dog and start walking away from her car. I know, very passive aggressive of me, but I hate confrontation. But I was really fed up at the same time. Then she yells at me, "I can't BELIEVE you are wearing your i-pod while you walk MY dog!" So then I get pissed and yell back, "It's on LOW! I can hear everything around me!! What do you want from me??" And she keeps going on about how dangerous it is to be listening to music (I wasn't even listening to music) and walking on the street and she would never do such a thing. So I grab my i-pod and crumple it up and throw it in my pocket and say "FINE. I won't listen to my i-pod and I will walk your dog on the side of the street with the WOODS!!!" and I walk away from her car again hoping she will leave. So she yells after me, "You know, we can just break our contract if you want!" I yell back "FINE, let's break the contract." Well that shut her up, I guess she was expecting me to back down and be like 'oh whatever you want....kiss ass...kiss ass'. I tell her I will give her back her money and ask if she wants to drive the dog home and I will walk back myself. She lets me decide that (wow, she gave up control for 2 seconds). I tell her to drive herself home and I will walk the dog back myself. She leaves. When I get back, she is sitting on the curb and telling me how sorry she is. She overreacted and she is just so protective of her baby. Will I give them a second chance?
So, being the professional I am, I agreeed but I told her that while I will follow her rules, she has to trust that I am following them.
So today when I walked the dog (she wasn't home, or maybe she was just hiding with her binoculars somewhere) her creepy friend from down the street who I met during our 2 hour consultation just happens to be jogging down the street. I am positive she ordered him to keep an eye on me. I guarantee his new jog time is 1:30 for the next 3 weeks.
I had a consultation with a new client on Saturday. Usually these consults last a half hour, or an hour max when the people are particularly chatty. Well, this one lasted two hours! TWO HOURS! The woman must've been lonely or something....but she really raised some red flags during the meeting, especially when she started talking about the lakes in her town and how she has contacted to head of water treatment in said town to make sure there is no fecal matter in the water; how the answer to the problem of too many water bottles would be installing water vending machines everywhere that would dispense glass cups; how I am NOT to pick up her dog's poop because poop is natural and the bag I use to pick it up will take 20 years to disintergrate. Oh and lastly how she had me create a new line item on my contract that states I will not sue her if her dog bites me!
Yesterday was my first walk with her dog. She wasn't supposed to be home, her mom was going to be there. She told me just to walk in because the doors are always unlocked. I didn't want to just barge in unannounced, so I rang the bell. But guess who answers the door...not the mom, but my client (who was supposed to be at some super-important seminars in the city). She greets me and tells me she decided to stay home and schedule some doctor appointments for the day (hopefully a psychiatrist). Then she yells at me for ringing the bell and scaring the dog. Then she asks didn't I see her through the glass on the sides of the front door. UM NO that is why I rang the bell, genius. Then she asks, "Would it be better for you to have a WINDOW of time to get here, rather than a definitive time? Didn't we agree on 1:30?" It was 1:35. I was 5 minutes late. Which to a dog, is not late, being they can't tell time. Finally I get out of the house with the dog, but of course the dog is trying to pull me back to the house because his owner is there (and everyone should know that dogs never want to leave the house when the owner is there). Although if I were this dog, I would be high-tailin' it out of there. Literally.
I am not 4 houses away, when I hear a car pulling up behind me. I knew it was her before I even looked. So she parks the car in the middle of the street and hops out and starts asking me if the collar on the dog is loose. Will it slip off, she inquires? She starts adjusting the collar and yelling at me for not checking to see if it was too loose before I left. It is my responsibility, she tells me. No shit! But it wasn't loose. I can always tell if the collar is loose as soon as I start walking, especially if a dog is pulling one way or another. So she tightens the already tight collar and asks me if I think it will come off if he pulls. I say no, but she doesn't trust my judgment, so she tries for a minute straight (no exaggeration) to pull the tightened collar off the dog's head. She was using all her muscle to pull it off. Now even if it did come off, the dog doesn't have that much strength to pull and get it off during a walk! When she was finally satisfied and reminded me again that I need to make sure it is tight before I leave (but also make sure I loosen it when I return home) she peeled off in reverse in her SUV.
Now as I was walking I felt like I was being watched (insert Geico music). I put on my ipod to get my mind off crazy-woman. The dog was desperately trying to get back to the house because he was reminded AGAIN that his owner was there. Well not 3 minutes later, I hear a car behind me. I pulled the dog close to me as crazy-lady pulls up next to me. She starts telling me that this is a very busy street (no it's not, it is a dead end in the woods) and there are a lot of cars driving fast (no, only you crazy, only you) and....well, before she could finish her sentence I said, "I KNOW. You want me to walk your dog on the other side, away from the cars." And I take the dog and start walking away from her car. I know, very passive aggressive of me, but I hate confrontation. But I was really fed up at the same time. Then she yells at me, "I can't BELIEVE you are wearing your i-pod while you walk MY dog!" So then I get pissed and yell back, "It's on LOW! I can hear everything around me!! What do you want from me??" And she keeps going on about how dangerous it is to be listening to music (I wasn't even listening to music) and walking on the street and she would never do such a thing. So I grab my i-pod and crumple it up and throw it in my pocket and say "FINE. I won't listen to my i-pod and I will walk your dog on the side of the street with the WOODS!!!" and I walk away from her car again hoping she will leave. So she yells after me, "You know, we can just break our contract if you want!" I yell back "FINE, let's break the contract." Well that shut her up, I guess she was expecting me to back down and be like 'oh whatever you want....kiss ass...kiss ass'. I tell her I will give her back her money and ask if she wants to drive the dog home and I will walk back myself. She lets me decide that (wow, she gave up control for 2 seconds). I tell her to drive herself home and I will walk the dog back myself. She leaves. When I get back, she is sitting on the curb and telling me how sorry she is. She overreacted and she is just so protective of her baby. Will I give them a second chance?
So, being the professional I am, I agreeed but I told her that while I will follow her rules, she has to trust that I am following them.
So today when I walked the dog (she wasn't home, or maybe she was just hiding with her binoculars somewhere) her creepy friend from down the street who I met during our 2 hour consultation just happens to be jogging down the street. I am positive she ordered him to keep an eye on me. I guarantee his new jog time is 1:30 for the next 3 weeks.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Urologist Visit
I went with my husband for his follow-up visit with the urologist. The back story to this is he had a SA done through the hospital in October which came back borderline/normal. Then he had 2 more done through our RE's office which came back iffy...high white blood count and low morphology...decent motility and okay count (until you take the morphology into consideration). Anyway, our RE had him on a 10 day course of antibiotics after which his WBC should have gone down. It didn't. The nurse told us most likely we need more antibiotics....the RE told us that is nonsense and it won't make a difference in his SA. So I thought we'd get one more opinion from his urologist. All I wanted my husband to do was to CALL the doctor and ask for his opinion over the phone. He couldn't connect with the doctor and refused to play phone tag so I just made an appt for him to go in and talk to the doctor in person. He agreed with the RE (antibiotics won't help us). And then....he said to me...."You need to breathe. Take a deep breath. You're gonna get pregnant. And if you don't, just do IVF. You know, you probably just need to get away to the Bahamas and you'll get pregnant. Stop worrying and relax." OMFG. I don't know what the look was on my face but my husband looked ready to restrain me in case I punched the doctor out. In most cases I would have cried. But I just laughed. I have heard all sorts of misguided advice, but never all lumped into one! This doctor needs a serious lesson in bedside manner. NEVER tell some with i/f to relax, or go on vacation, or JUST do IVF. Because if it was that simple I wouldn't be at your office now would I?
Oh, and then poor DH had to get poked up the ass as a preventative measure. Well that's what he gets for not following up on his phone calls.
Oh, and then poor DH had to get poked up the ass as a preventative measure. Well that's what he gets for not following up on his phone calls.
Paranoid about Parsippany Paparazzi
Well it seems we have a stalker. Some woman in a black bmw was in front of our house taking pictures this morning, at 9 am. She drove away, then came back and took more pictures--front of the house, side of the house...and of my husband's car! Then she saw my neighbors watching her and she takes off in her car, in reverse, down our street.
I reluctantly filed a police report, especially since the cops were just here last night with the dog debacle! The police officer gets here 2 hours later and says he would go look for the car, but by now it is probably gone. Really?? After 2 hours, you think? So he writes up the report and leaves, and not a minute later, the woman in the beamer is back. She drives up and down the street 3 times...slowing down in front of our house....
So I call to follow up on my police report and tell them this...and they dispatch the officer again...who drives around the neighborhood and then reports back to me that they can't find her and she was probably just taking pics of our lovely landscaping and basically stop wasting the police dept's time (thank you for the backhanded compliment, officer!).
Now I am hoping that it was someone scoping out our house for a commercial and not some nut job who is planning her revenge; not that I have a guilty conscience or anything and think someone may be out to get me. Aaack! What was that noise? Did you hear that?
I reluctantly filed a police report, especially since the cops were just here last night with the dog debacle! The police officer gets here 2 hours later and says he would go look for the car, but by now it is probably gone. Really?? After 2 hours, you think? So he writes up the report and leaves, and not a minute later, the woman in the beamer is back. She drives up and down the street 3 times...slowing down in front of our house....
So I call to follow up on my police report and tell them this...and they dispatch the officer again...who drives around the neighborhood and then reports back to me that they can't find her and she was probably just taking pics of our lovely landscaping and basically stop wasting the police dept's time (thank you for the backhanded compliment, officer!).
Now I am hoping that it was someone scoping out our house for a commercial and not some nut job who is planning her revenge; not that I have a guilty conscience or anything and think someone may be out to get me. Aaack! What was that noise? Did you hear that?
Dogs gone wild
So, our one neighbor's dog Sadie (we'll call it a pit bull, although I think it is a mix) attacked our other neighbor's dog Max (mini schnauzer) last night. Sadie jumped through the window, broke through the screen and ran to our neighbor's yard and tried to eat/maul little Max! The owner tried to break up the fight and in the process got her own hand chewed apart. They were finally able to spray the dogs with water and break them up. 3 police cars and an ambulance later, everyone will live to see another day.
Now I am terrified to let Hercules out in front of the house. Luckily we have a fenced in yard and he's pretty content there. If that had been my dog I think I'd be holding a grudge. But it seems the two neighbors have made amends and there's no bad blood between them. Max is recovering with 3 wounds and some stitches.
Now I am terrified to let Hercules out in front of the house. Luckily we have a fenced in yard and he's pretty content there. If that had been my dog I think I'd be holding a grudge. But it seems the two neighbors have made amends and there's no bad blood between them. Max is recovering with 3 wounds and some stitches.
Friday, June 19, 2009
Where to begin...
My husband and I have been TTC since November 2007. When we started, I anticipated that it might take a while but got easily impatient when it didn't happen right away. I am so used to wanting something, going after it, and getting it. I never would have imagined that a year and a half later I would be here typing my story; that I would be here, still childless (aside from our furbaby, Hercules). But that I would be here, as hopeful as ever that we will become parents, someday, somehow.
We have been through the wringer with testing. We were originally diagnosed as "unexplained" i/f but later came to find out we have issues with my eggs (high FSH) and his sperm (poor morphology). Our doctor tells us we have a 5% chance to conceive naturally. He recommends we move on to IVF which would increase our chances to 60%. We are completely OOP so that would cost us about 20 grand. I know you can't put a pricetag on a child, but these doctors seem to be able to! If we had the money, we'd do it in a heartbeat. We don't and now we have to decide whether it is better to live in denial or in debt.
We did get pregnant last summer. We lost it before it even sunk in. That gives me a little hope that it could happen naturally. The doctor says it might take us about 15 months versus a healthy couple who might take 3 months.
This month is our 23rd cycle. People who are TTC ask all the time when does it get easier. In one way, it does. I don't cry as much anymore. I expect the disappointment every month. And somehow I am still hopeful every month during my 2ww. I know I can't sit on the fence forever and it is going to take a lot of thought and consideration before I make any decisions on what to do. In the meantime, I just keep on hoping for a miracle....
We have been through the wringer with testing. We were originally diagnosed as "unexplained" i/f but later came to find out we have issues with my eggs (high FSH) and his sperm (poor morphology). Our doctor tells us we have a 5% chance to conceive naturally. He recommends we move on to IVF which would increase our chances to 60%. We are completely OOP so that would cost us about 20 grand. I know you can't put a pricetag on a child, but these doctors seem to be able to! If we had the money, we'd do it in a heartbeat. We don't and now we have to decide whether it is better to live in denial or in debt.
We did get pregnant last summer. We lost it before it even sunk in. That gives me a little hope that it could happen naturally. The doctor says it might take us about 15 months versus a healthy couple who might take 3 months.
This month is our 23rd cycle. People who are TTC ask all the time when does it get easier. In one way, it does. I don't cry as much anymore. I expect the disappointment every month. And somehow I am still hopeful every month during my 2ww. I know I can't sit on the fence forever and it is going to take a lot of thought and consideration before I make any decisions on what to do. In the meantime, I just keep on hoping for a miracle....
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