Some days you're the dog....

...and some days you're the hydrant. That is how I felt yesterday! Is that even the correct saying? Sometimes things sound right in my head, but I have them all mixed up!
I had a consultation with a new client on Saturday. Usually these consults last a half hour, or an hour max when the people are particularly chatty. Well, this one lasted two hours! TWO HOURS! The woman must've been lonely or something....but she really raised some red flags during the meeting, especially when she started talking about the lakes in her town and how she has contacted to head of water treatment in said town to make sure there is no fecal matter in the water; how the answer to the problem of too many water bottles would be installing water vending machines everywhere that would dispense glass cups; how I am NOT to pick up her dog's poop because poop is natural and the bag I use to pick it up will take 20 years to disintergrate. Oh and lastly how she had me create a new line item on my contract that states I will not sue her if her dog bites me!
Yesterday was my first walk with her dog. She wasn't supposed to be home, her mom was going to be there. She told me just to walk in because the doors are always unlocked. I didn't want to just barge in unannounced, so I rang the bell. But guess who answers the door...not the mom, but my client (who was supposed to be at some super-important seminars in the city). She greets me and tells me she decided to stay home and schedule some doctor appointments for the day (hopefully a psychiatrist). Then she yells at me for ringing the bell and scaring the dog. Then she asks didn't I see her through the glass on the sides of the front door. UM NO that is why I rang the bell, genius. Then she asks, "Would it be better for you to have a WINDOW of time to get here, rather than a definitive time? Didn't we agree on 1:30?" It was 1:35. I was 5 minutes late. Which to a dog, is not late, being they can't tell time. Finally I get out of the house with the dog, but of course the dog is trying to pull me back to the house because his owner is there (and everyone should know that dogs never want to leave the house when the owner is there). Although if I were this dog, I would be high-tailin' it out of there. Literally.
I am not 4 houses away, when I hear a car pulling up behind me. I knew it was her before I even looked. So she parks the car in the middle of the street and hops out and starts asking me if the collar on the dog is loose. Will it slip off, she inquires? She starts adjusting the collar and yelling at me for not checking to see if it was too loose before I left. It is my responsibility, she tells me. No shit! But it wasn't loose. I can always tell if the collar is loose as soon as I start walking, especially if a dog is pulling one way or another. So she tightens the already tight collar and asks me if I think it will come off if he pulls. I say no, but she doesn't trust my judgment, so she tries for a minute straight (no exaggeration) to pull the tightened collar off the dog's head. She was using all her muscle to pull it off. Now even if it did come off, the dog doesn't have that much strength to pull and get it off during a walk! When she was finally satisfied and reminded me again that I need to make sure it is tight before I leave (but also make sure I loosen it when I return home) she peeled off in reverse in her SUV.
Now as I was walking I felt like I was being watched (insert Geico music). I put on my ipod to get my mind off crazy-woman. The dog was desperately trying to get back to the house because he was reminded AGAIN that his owner was there. Well not 3 minutes later, I hear a car behind me. I pulled the dog close to me as crazy-lady pulls up next to me. She starts telling me that this is a very busy street (no it's not, it is a dead end in the woods) and there are a lot of cars driving fast (no, only you crazy, only you) and....well, before she could finish her sentence I said, "I KNOW. You want me to walk your dog on the other side, away from the cars." And I take the dog and start walking away from her car. I know, very passive aggressive of me, but I hate confrontation. But I was really fed up at the same time. Then she yells at me, "I can't BELIEVE you are wearing your i-pod while you walk MY dog!" So then I get pissed and yell back, "It's on LOW! I can hear everything around me!! What do you want from me??" And she keeps going on about how dangerous it is to be listening to music (I wasn't even listening to music) and walking on the street and she would never do such a thing. So I grab my i-pod and crumple it up and throw it in my pocket and say "FINE. I won't listen to my i-pod and I will walk your dog on the side of the street with the WOODS!!!" and I walk away from her car again hoping she will leave. So she yells after me, "You know, we can just break our contract if you want!" I yell back "FINE, let's break the contract." Well that shut her up, I guess she was expecting me to back down and be like 'oh whatever you want....kiss ass...kiss ass'. I tell her I will give her back her money and ask if she wants to drive the dog home and I will walk back myself. She lets me decide that (wow, she gave up control for 2 seconds). I tell her to drive herself home and I will walk the dog back myself. She leaves. When I get back, she is sitting on the curb and telling me how sorry she is. She overreacted and she is just so protective of her baby. Will I give them a second chance?
So, being the professional I am, I agreeed but I told her that while I will follow her rules, she has to trust that I am following them.
So today when I walked the dog (she wasn't home, or maybe she was just hiding with her binoculars somewhere) her creepy friend from down the street who I met during our 2 hour consultation just happens to be jogging down the street. I am positive she ordered him to keep an eye on me. I guarantee his new jog time is 1:30 for the next 3 weeks.