R.I.P.

While I was starting up my business back in 2004, I had some spare time on my hands and was looking to make some extra money. I took on a job driving 3 kids home from school every day, it was easy money and on my way from one dog walking job to the next. I continued driving them for 2 years, not because I still needed the money, but because I really bonded with these kids. When my business got too busy to continue I had to give it up and we lost touch but I think about them often. I just got an email from their mom, that the oldest son, now 18, committed suicide. I am really bummed. He was such a nice kid. He liked to think he was edgy and dark but you could tell his heart was gold. I'll always have him to thank for enlightening me to the world of classic rock. RIP Frankie.

Something's Growing Inside Me....

...and of course it is not a baby. It is a mass. In my bladder. 4 cm, growing on the wall of my bladder to be exact. They don't know what it is yet. It showed up on the ultrasound I had done on Monday. My doctor called 2 days ago and left a message that she wanted to talk about the u/s but it was "nothing to be worried about." Then I finally talked to her today and she said she went back over the results and called the doctor who ran the report and now it seems there is this mass that somehow she missed on the original report.
I can't help but be pessimistic.
One step forward, two steps back. Always.
Off to the urologist next Wednesday.

One IUI...coming up!

We went to see a new gyno today, my husband teaches this Doctor tennis...that's how we know him. He spent a lot of time with us talking about our history and what we are going through. He thinks my other doctor is wrong for putting me back on the pill. He says it will probably take 6 months (not one or two) of being on the pill to see the effects from it. He suggests I stop at the end of this cycle. He suggested either going on Lupron which would suppress all my hormones (aka menopause) for one cycle and see if the pain gets better. Or he can do this potassium sensitivity test to see if I do have IC. Of course that tests involves a catheter up my urethra, not being sedated, and then they shoot potassium up there and if it causes excruciating pain, then you know you have IC. Wow, that sounds rather barbaric to me. It is hard to believe in this day and age, so many of these medical procedures involve so much pain!
The doctor seems to think if I get pregnant, this bladder pain will go away, at least WHILE I am pregnant. So he thinks we should concentrate of getting me KU, which I like. He wants to start me on 50 mg Clomid next cycle and then do an IUI when I ovulate. It is a pretty bare-bones version of IUI...no injectable meds and minimal monitoring. But it is not too expensive and I feel like it's a step in the right direction. So that is what we are planning to do. I just wish I could be more excited about all of this.

Hard copy medical records came in....

It seems that my RE failed to mention that my husband's first SA showed 0% morphology. He told us it was "poor" and we should retest and when we did he told us it was still on the low side at 3%. Why I never asked the first time, I think I was just overwhelmed with all the info. Why he never brought it up is beyond me. Seems like a pretty important piece of info. Also to note, it increased 3% (kruger) in one month?!

One a happy note, I received a $400 check in the mail today from our RE. It looks like my insurance must've covered some of my OOP bloodwork after all!

And on a another note, today is day 6 of birth control pills and my bladder pain is still a bitch. U/S is scheduled for Monday, so maybe I'll have an answer soon as to what's ailing me in there!

IUI on hold

I finally made the decision to go forward with IUI. I felt good about the decision. It was a small step, but one in the right direction. I called the doctor and made an appointment for our consult visit on August 27th. In the meantime, I figured I would try to get a diagnosis for the pain I've been having in my bladder since my c/p last July. It is sort of a stabbing pain, or a heaviness in my pelvic floor and it is so bad when I have my period, that I cry (but only when I pee!).
So I saw my gyno today and after listening to my symptoms, she suspects it may be bladder endometriosis. There is no cure for it, it is only treated with pain management. In order to diagnose it, I have to go back on birth control pills. Maybe for 1 month, maybe 2, maybe 3. Just to see if my symptoms go away when I get my period, on the pill. If they do, then she can diagnose it as endo. But even so, there will be nothing I can do about it, except stay on the pill to manage the pain. Which obviously I can't do if I am trying to get KU! It is so frustrating. Why did I wait to go see the doctor?...I should have gone months ago.
Why do I feel like there is some greater force trying to do everything to prevent me from getting pregnant? This is all beyond frustrating.

A year ago today....

....I found out I was pregnant. Never in a million years did I think that a year later, I would still be without a child. I feel like today is a benchmark I have to face in order to move on. The one-year mark. I should have put this behind me long ago. But I feel like it is all I have. One cycle out of twenty-four, it happened. I don't know if that gives me hope, or renders me hopeless. It makes me mad to think about the people who told me that having a m/c means my body is ready to be pregnant and it will happen again in no time. Well, if by no time they meant never, then right on. I hate how bitter I have become. I was always able to look on the bright side, but lately I find there is no bright side to i/f.
I can't believe I even saved this picture but I have such an immense fear that I will never see another positive HPT that I can't bear to delete this. I think that day was the last day where I was truly happy without an ounce of this bitterness.

Devil dogs

OMG. This may be the answer to my i/f financial worries.
John Madden (of the NJ Devils) was traded to Chicago for next season. His new salary is $2.75 million for the year. He needs someone to watch his 3 dogs for 9 months. Is it crazy for me to even think to ask for 1% of his salary to do this for him?? That would pay for IVF, one fresh cycle, one frozen cycle plus extra money to boot.
I don't know if $27,500 is a lot to a millionaire. 1% of a yearly salary is like peanuts, no?
Please, God, let this be a sign. Please let this be the money tree I have been praying for.
LOL. Well in any case, it would be cool to watch an NHL player's dogs. I love the Devils. Although technically he is no longer a Devil.