3-d Me

I had my CT scan this morning and all went well. I know it is not really anything to be nervous about but being there by myself and thinking about what the results may lead to left me shaking like a leaf. I was able to do some meditating on the table as we waited for the dye to make it's way through my body. I was imagining laying on the beach in Mexico drinking a fruity frozen drink. I relaxed in no time! After the dye passed through me (which felt REALLY weird, like a warm feeling gushing up my arm, down the back of my throat and into my bladder!) they did the scan which just took a few minutes. After it was done, the tech let me look at the computer images that the machine captured. I wish I could get a copy of it! It was so neat to see my internal organs and skeleton in 3-d! The mass in my bladder was clearly visible and geez it is really taking up a big part of my bladder! My doctor should have the results by day's end and hopefully he'll get in touch with me soon to schedule surgery, if that is necessary. It's been a long day. I need a cat nap after my ct scan!

Feeling Overwhelmed

I have never had so many mood swings as I do lately. One minute I am fine, singing along to the radio, enjoying the gorgeous weather and then the next minute I am in tears. This is not how things were supposed to happen. I like when I have a plan, stick with it and see it through to the end. Now, I am so far off from the original plan, I fear I don't think I'll ever make it back. I am worried about myself. I know I am stressed; I just am not sure how stressed and how much stress I can actually handle without totally losing it. I wake up every night in a cold sweat, my jaw is aching because I am constantly grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw so tight, and these damn mood swings...
To f/u on my bladder issues, I saw a urologist yesterday, Dr. Zimmerman. He is ordering a CT scan so he can better see this mass, and then he is going to surgically remove it, and then biopsy it. I am hoping that once it is removed, this pain goes away (although today is a very minimal pain day which is one good thing!). We are on a forced break from TTC for now, until this is figured out. On a positive note, the doctor is young, good looking and compassionate :)

R.I.P.

While I was starting up my business back in 2004, I had some spare time on my hands and was looking to make some extra money. I took on a job driving 3 kids home from school every day, it was easy money and on my way from one dog walking job to the next. I continued driving them for 2 years, not because I still needed the money, but because I really bonded with these kids. When my business got too busy to continue I had to give it up and we lost touch but I think about them often. I just got an email from their mom, that the oldest son, now 18, committed suicide. I am really bummed. He was such a nice kid. He liked to think he was edgy and dark but you could tell his heart was gold. I'll always have him to thank for enlightening me to the world of classic rock. RIP Frankie.

Something's Growing Inside Me....

...and of course it is not a baby. It is a mass. In my bladder. 4 cm, growing on the wall of my bladder to be exact. They don't know what it is yet. It showed up on the ultrasound I had done on Monday. My doctor called 2 days ago and left a message that she wanted to talk about the u/s but it was "nothing to be worried about." Then I finally talked to her today and she said she went back over the results and called the doctor who ran the report and now it seems there is this mass that somehow she missed on the original report.
I can't help but be pessimistic.
One step forward, two steps back. Always.
Off to the urologist next Wednesday.

One IUI...coming up!

We went to see a new gyno today, my husband teaches this Doctor tennis...that's how we know him. He spent a lot of time with us talking about our history and what we are going through. He thinks my other doctor is wrong for putting me back on the pill. He says it will probably take 6 months (not one or two) of being on the pill to see the effects from it. He suggests I stop at the end of this cycle. He suggested either going on Lupron which would suppress all my hormones (aka menopause) for one cycle and see if the pain gets better. Or he can do this potassium sensitivity test to see if I do have IC. Of course that tests involves a catheter up my urethra, not being sedated, and then they shoot potassium up there and if it causes excruciating pain, then you know you have IC. Wow, that sounds rather barbaric to me. It is hard to believe in this day and age, so many of these medical procedures involve so much pain!
The doctor seems to think if I get pregnant, this bladder pain will go away, at least WHILE I am pregnant. So he thinks we should concentrate of getting me KU, which I like. He wants to start me on 50 mg Clomid next cycle and then do an IUI when I ovulate. It is a pretty bare-bones version of IUI...no injectable meds and minimal monitoring. But it is not too expensive and I feel like it's a step in the right direction. So that is what we are planning to do. I just wish I could be more excited about all of this.

Hard copy medical records came in....

It seems that my RE failed to mention that my husband's first SA showed 0% morphology. He told us it was "poor" and we should retest and when we did he told us it was still on the low side at 3%. Why I never asked the first time, I think I was just overwhelmed with all the info. Why he never brought it up is beyond me. Seems like a pretty important piece of info. Also to note, it increased 3% (kruger) in one month?!

One a happy note, I received a $400 check in the mail today from our RE. It looks like my insurance must've covered some of my OOP bloodwork after all!

And on a another note, today is day 6 of birth control pills and my bladder pain is still a bitch. U/S is scheduled for Monday, so maybe I'll have an answer soon as to what's ailing me in there!

IUI on hold

I finally made the decision to go forward with IUI. I felt good about the decision. It was a small step, but one in the right direction. I called the doctor and made an appointment for our consult visit on August 27th. In the meantime, I figured I would try to get a diagnosis for the pain I've been having in my bladder since my c/p last July. It is sort of a stabbing pain, or a heaviness in my pelvic floor and it is so bad when I have my period, that I cry (but only when I pee!).
So I saw my gyno today and after listening to my symptoms, she suspects it may be bladder endometriosis. There is no cure for it, it is only treated with pain management. In order to diagnose it, I have to go back on birth control pills. Maybe for 1 month, maybe 2, maybe 3. Just to see if my symptoms go away when I get my period, on the pill. If they do, then she can diagnose it as endo. But even so, there will be nothing I can do about it, except stay on the pill to manage the pain. Which obviously I can't do if I am trying to get KU! It is so frustrating. Why did I wait to go see the doctor?...I should have gone months ago.
Why do I feel like there is some greater force trying to do everything to prevent me from getting pregnant? This is all beyond frustrating.