Why did I google?!

I got my pre-surgical paperwork in the mail and now at least I know what the name of the procedure is that I am having: a cysto TURBT. Warning: don't google it. All that comes up is stuff about bladder cancer! I understand this is the procedure they use to remove anything that MIGHT be a tumor but of course everything on google is about the tumors being cancerous. Also, it seems that although this is out-patient surgery, the recovery time might not be just one day as I hoped. I was all ready to go back to work the next day. Luckily that week is not one of my busier weeks. I am upset that the doctor doesn't give me more information. All I get is a checklist of things to avoid a week/a day before surgery. I have to go online and ONCE AGAIN be my own advocate and figure out how else to prep and what to expect afterward.
I am really getting nervous about this whole procedure now. It isn't even twilight anesthesia, it is general anesthesia, which I've had a bad reaction to before.
And to top it off, the pain has completely ceased. On my pain scale of 1-10 where it has always hovered around 1 or 2 on a good day...it is now at 0. So now I start to think, maybe it is going away on its own and this surgery is not even necessary! I know that can't be completely true, but my ob/gyn did say that if it was endometriosis of the bladder, the birth control pills would stop the pain. I guess there is no going back. Time to put on my brave face and keep moving ahead.

Slice of Life

Ah, more facebook pregnancy announcements. It's tough enough to read them, but then I torture myself and read the 50 comments posted below which all basically say the same thing. It doesn't just seem that everyone around me has a baby or is pregnant...it is actually the way things are! I guess that is what happens when you are 30! I was watching my favorite show Dexter (albeit, I am a season behind because we watch it on DVD rather than pay an extra $10 per month for showtime!). So in this season I am watching, his girlfriend gets KU. And she tells him that he can be a part of the baby's life or not, but either way, this baby is coming. It made me think--that I can either be angry, mad, bitter OR happy, grateful and blessed that my friends and family are having babies. Either way, the babies are coming. Being angry about it (or about my situation) is not going to stop or change anything. Why is it not surprising that I am taking advice from a show about a serial killer?
I am trying some new daily meditations...trying to change my outlook on things. I don't necessarily think it is as easy as putting my intentions out there and everything will change in my favor, but I do believe that changing my outlook will at least make my life more pleasant and bearable!

Crappy Anniversary

Our 6th wedding anniversary is approaching on October 5th. Every year we don't get to celebrate because there is always some event we have to go to. This year, there is another wedding that weekend, but at least it is on Friday the 2nd. So it just figures that SOMETHING would come up on October 5th, which is a Monday...of all days....the last day anything should come up.
Let's play....guess what got scheduled for Monday the 5th?
uh-huh. you guessed it! my surgery. I guess I should consider it lucky that it was not scheduled for the day of the wedding i have to attend.
all i have to say is keep it coming....whoever is in charge of this cruel joke, i can take it. you can't hold me down!!
On a happy note, I am keeping busy planning Gene's birthday surprise. He turns 35 on 12/14 so I am trying to plan something special....but it's a secret....!

Room for baby

I spent yesterday cleaning the baby's room. Okay, technically it shouldn't be called the baby's room until there is a baby to be put in it. We actually call it Hercules' room :) We have managed to turn it into a complete dumping ground over the past year....may as well call it Costco. So I cleaned it all up and organized the closet. I feel like it is more welcoming now. Maybe this is some sort of feng shui thinking I am invoking.
In other news, the doctor never called last week to schedule my surgery. I feel like they are taking their sweet ass time while I sit here uncomfortably waiting. The past few days weren't bad, but last night the pain scale went from 0-4. I woke up at 4 am to pee and couldn't get back to sleep for a while. It was like someone was stabbing me in the bladder with a knife. I finally fell asleep in some sort of fetal, yoga-ish position with the duvet shoved up my crotch. As though making it comfortable from the outside would really help the inner pains!
In other yoga-related news, my yoga instructor left Prana Yoga :( I tried the new instructor but didn't like her as much. Seemed like to much of a workout and I'm really there just to stretch. I've found the best position for my back to fall asleep in is tree position, but a laying down version (obviously I am not sleeping standing up!). Try it sometime if your hips are tight....it really loosens things up!

3-d Me

I had my CT scan this morning and all went well. I know it is not really anything to be nervous about but being there by myself and thinking about what the results may lead to left me shaking like a leaf. I was able to do some meditating on the table as we waited for the dye to make it's way through my body. I was imagining laying on the beach in Mexico drinking a fruity frozen drink. I relaxed in no time! After the dye passed through me (which felt REALLY weird, like a warm feeling gushing up my arm, down the back of my throat and into my bladder!) they did the scan which just took a few minutes. After it was done, the tech let me look at the computer images that the machine captured. I wish I could get a copy of it! It was so neat to see my internal organs and skeleton in 3-d! The mass in my bladder was clearly visible and geez it is really taking up a big part of my bladder! My doctor should have the results by day's end and hopefully he'll get in touch with me soon to schedule surgery, if that is necessary. It's been a long day. I need a cat nap after my ct scan!

Feeling Overwhelmed

I have never had so many mood swings as I do lately. One minute I am fine, singing along to the radio, enjoying the gorgeous weather and then the next minute I am in tears. This is not how things were supposed to happen. I like when I have a plan, stick with it and see it through to the end. Now, I am so far off from the original plan, I fear I don't think I'll ever make it back. I am worried about myself. I know I am stressed; I just am not sure how stressed and how much stress I can actually handle without totally losing it. I wake up every night in a cold sweat, my jaw is aching because I am constantly grinding my teeth or clenching my jaw so tight, and these damn mood swings...
To f/u on my bladder issues, I saw a urologist yesterday, Dr. Zimmerman. He is ordering a CT scan so he can better see this mass, and then he is going to surgically remove it, and then biopsy it. I am hoping that once it is removed, this pain goes away (although today is a very minimal pain day which is one good thing!). We are on a forced break from TTC for now, until this is figured out. On a positive note, the doctor is young, good looking and compassionate :)

R.I.P.

While I was starting up my business back in 2004, I had some spare time on my hands and was looking to make some extra money. I took on a job driving 3 kids home from school every day, it was easy money and on my way from one dog walking job to the next. I continued driving them for 2 years, not because I still needed the money, but because I really bonded with these kids. When my business got too busy to continue I had to give it up and we lost touch but I think about them often. I just got an email from their mom, that the oldest son, now 18, committed suicide. I am really bummed. He was such a nice kid. He liked to think he was edgy and dark but you could tell his heart was gold. I'll always have him to thank for enlightening me to the world of classic rock. RIP Frankie.