...twice...all by myself! I am very proud of myself, not that I am afraid of needles (if my piercings and tattoos didn't give that away) but I was very afraid I was going to do it wrong. The instructions are WAY more detailed than they need to be, and after reading them for the umpteenth time, I realized 90% was about keeping everything sterile. easy!
Our bloodwork and ultrasound went well this morning. Gene and I left the house at 5:45 am and got there a bit before 6 and there were already at least 10 people there waiting! But they move quickly, especially for that time of day! Bloodwork/urine were fine and then the ultrasound showed I have 7 follies (follicles which we want to mature to release eggs) to start with which is o.k. Anything above 5 is acceptable to start IVF. So 7 is by no means spectacular, but it is a starting point. I THINK the Follistim I am injecting is supposed to make more follies but I am not sure, it may only be meant to mature the ones I already have there to begin with. I'll have to google that and find an answer.
Tonight I injected my first dose of Follistim (450 units, which is the max dose) and 15 iu of low dose HCG, which is the pregnancy hormone, so it seems they want to trick my brain into thinking it is pregnant...again, not sure why...I'll have to read up on that too.
I feel okay so far, just all tingly in my belly but that could all just be in my head, or it could be from the injection site, or it could be the menstrual cramps I am having, or the endo pain which has reared its ugly head again, only 4 days after being off BC pills. And I am really thirsty, which is more likely my dinner from Panera than a side effect of either drug.
Tomorrow and Monday I get to do my shots again, and then on Tuesday I'll be going back in for another ultrasound to see how my follies are growing (let's hope) or not growing (which would be bad given I am on the max dose of meds).
Grow follicles, grow!!
So in love...
Our Furbaby
Here's Hercules (aka Bear)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Our story is finally being written
We begin our first IVF cycle this Saturday!
I feel like I know so many people who have gone through this (not IRL, my online friends) and I have seen so many different outcomes and reveled in so many different emotions (I am highly empathetic and feel like everyone's battles are my own battles). I can't believe that it is finally time to write our story. I know that this story isn't guaranteed to have a happy ending, but to have the chance alone makes it all worthwhile. I feel like we've been trying to write this story of ours for so long, but our pen was out of ink. Someone just handed us a new pen, filled with ink, and for that I am so grateful.
I am very optimistic right now. I (re)started acupuncture today and feel my inner strength slowly returning. I feel like there is no obstacle I can't overcome. I wonder if this over-optimism is going to do me in. Maybe I should be more realistic? Should I anticipate the worst and hope for the best? Or is it possible to fool your mind into making your body work the way you want it to? Mind over matter?
So my meds are ordered, and they'll be here on Wednesday. My doctor is letting me order portions at a time to try and keep costs down (they usually order more than necessary and you end up with a ton leftover which you can't return) PLUS my doctor is donating 1500 iu's of one medication to me which is $1000 worth. What a huge help! They get donations from patients who over-ordered and pass them along to OOP patients. I guess my timing was finally right on for something!
Saturday I go in (at 6 am! ugh! wait...no complaining allowed here!) for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. If everything looks good, I can go ahead and start my injections that night. What I mean by if everything looks good is if all my hormone levels are within the normal range. My RE already warned me if my FSH has skyrocketed, IVF is out of the question...it wouldn't be worth it. So I will be crossing my fingers for a reading of less than 14.4, which was my highest level to date.
What a journey this is going to be!
I feel like I know so many people who have gone through this (not IRL, my online friends) and I have seen so many different outcomes and reveled in so many different emotions (I am highly empathetic and feel like everyone's battles are my own battles). I can't believe that it is finally time to write our story. I know that this story isn't guaranteed to have a happy ending, but to have the chance alone makes it all worthwhile. I feel like we've been trying to write this story of ours for so long, but our pen was out of ink. Someone just handed us a new pen, filled with ink, and for that I am so grateful.
I am very optimistic right now. I (re)started acupuncture today and feel my inner strength slowly returning. I feel like there is no obstacle I can't overcome. I wonder if this over-optimism is going to do me in. Maybe I should be more realistic? Should I anticipate the worst and hope for the best? Or is it possible to fool your mind into making your body work the way you want it to? Mind over matter?
So my meds are ordered, and they'll be here on Wednesday. My doctor is letting me order portions at a time to try and keep costs down (they usually order more than necessary and you end up with a ton leftover which you can't return) PLUS my doctor is donating 1500 iu's of one medication to me which is $1000 worth. What a huge help! They get donations from patients who over-ordered and pass them along to OOP patients. I guess my timing was finally right on for something!
Saturday I go in (at 6 am! ugh! wait...no complaining allowed here!) for baseline bloodwork and ultrasound. If everything looks good, I can go ahead and start my injections that night. What I mean by if everything looks good is if all my hormone levels are within the normal range. My RE already warned me if my FSH has skyrocketed, IVF is out of the question...it wouldn't be worth it. So I will be crossing my fingers for a reading of less than 14.4, which was my highest level to date.
What a journey this is going to be!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Privacy Please
My blog is no longer public, so if you are reading it, feel special :) It is VIP and by invitation only. Okay, you can now cross the metaphorical velvet rope.
This past week has been crazy! After talking in depth with our RE, we have decided it is in everyone's best interest (okay, just mine and Gene's) to move forward with IVF. It seems we have a lot working against us. If it was just one issue, with me, or if I were fine and Gene had one issue, we would have a lot more choices. Continue trying on our own, or even start off with IUI. My RE sadly told us we just have bad luck. That someone my age should not have to be facing all these obstacles. He said if we wanted to use donor eggs we would have a lot more time to work with. We could dilly-dally until I'm 40. But if I want this to be OUR (genetic) baby, we have to move and move quickly. My eggs are what they consider to be "aging." Actually I think he said "old" but let's just call them aging. Given that, plus my endo, plus Gene's poor morphology, our chances to get pregnant on our own are probably 1-5% and with IVF less than 50%. I don't have a plan beyond this one cycle. I told Gene that if this doesn't work we should just take it as a sign, and spend the rest of our lives by ourselves traveling. I don't think I really mean that, but it makes me feel better to THINK I would be okay with this. I am trying to fool my own subconscious!
I am staying positive about the whole situation and trying not to get whiny and ask "why me?" I deeply believe this is all unraveling the way it is meant to.
This week has been spent calling different pharmacies and getting prices on all the meds I will need to be on. The list is overwhelming:
DOXYCYCLINE 100 MG CAPSULE
This past week has been crazy! After talking in depth with our RE, we have decided it is in everyone's best interest (okay, just mine and Gene's) to move forward with IVF. It seems we have a lot working against us. If it was just one issue, with me, or if I were fine and Gene had one issue, we would have a lot more choices. Continue trying on our own, or even start off with IUI. My RE sadly told us we just have bad luck. That someone my age should not have to be facing all these obstacles. He said if we wanted to use donor eggs we would have a lot more time to work with. We could dilly-dally until I'm 40. But if I want this to be OUR (genetic) baby, we have to move and move quickly. My eggs are what they consider to be "aging." Actually I think he said "old" but let's just call them aging. Given that, plus my endo, plus Gene's poor morphology, our chances to get pregnant on our own are probably 1-5% and with IVF less than 50%. I don't have a plan beyond this one cycle. I told Gene that if this doesn't work we should just take it as a sign, and spend the rest of our lives by ourselves traveling. I don't think I really mean that, but it makes me feel better to THINK I would be okay with this. I am trying to fool my own subconscious!
I am staying positive about the whole situation and trying not to get whiny and ask "why me?" I deeply believe this is all unraveling the way it is meant to.
This week has been spent calling different pharmacies and getting prices on all the meds I will need to be on. The list is overwhelming:
DOXYCYCLINE 100 MG CAPSULE
METHYLPREDNISOLONE 16 MG TA
MONOJECT .5ML SYRN 28GX1/2
B-D NEEDLES 18G 1.5
PLASTIPAK 3ML 22GX11/2
PROGESTERONE OIL 50 MG/ML V
OVIDREL 250 MCG/0.5 ML SYRG
GANIRELIX ACET 250 MCG/0.5M
FOLLISTIM AQ 900 UNIT CARTR
LOW DOSE HCG 10IU/0.15CC
FOLLISTIM AQ 600 UNIT CARTR
FOLLISTIM AQ 300 UNIT CART
The goal is to inject myself with lots of hormones and grow and mature as many eggs as possible so they can "harvest" them. I've heard they can get as few as 4 and as many as 30 eggs. The more eggs, the better chance that there will be some high quality ones in there!
I'll probably be ordering the meds on Monday and once I get all my consent forms signed and notarized and then get financially cleared, we'll be ready to start.
Overwhelming but very exciting! Please send your positive thoughts and vibes our way!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Got an appt!
I was able to get an appointment with my RE for next Tuesday at 9 am! His assistant told me that due to my circumstances she wants to get me in to see him asap and instead of his usual 1/2 hour appointment she is going to block off an hour of his time so we can discuss all my options. WHEW! I thought for sure I would be waiting until December to get in to see him! In the meantime, I need to gather all my new medical reports from my ob/gyn and urologist. I'll be picking them up tomorrow and HAND delivering them to the RE on Friday so they have them well before my appointment. I don't trust anyone "faxing" my medical records because they never get where they need to be. So the extra footwork is worth the peace of mind that they are there.
I feel hopeful, at least for a moment.
I feel hopeful, at least for a moment.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Too tired to cry
Do you ever feel so emotionally drained that you don't even have the strength to cry? I feel like I could use a good cry. I tried to make myself cry. I think one tear came out. You know something is wrong when I can't cry--I am the biggest baby and cry about anything, happy or sad. I am just spent.
My urologist never called my gyno. Thanks for the wonderful follow-up hot doc. You are now on my shit list. I guess this just doesn't seem all that important? I am desperately trying to get an appt to see my RE but they will not call me back to schedule it. I did talk to my ob/gyn today and told her the diagnosis myself and she spewed out a bunch of information about endo that I already knew from google. She also poo-pooed my use of google to get information. Yet all her information was the same as google. She confirmed my fear that if I go on Lupron it would be for 6 months. Of course I just KNEW it wouldn't be the 1 month or 3 month protocol. Then after Lupron I would have to go back on BC pills. I am not sure which part of "I am trying to get pregnant" she doesn't understand! But she says I should try to kick the endo's ass before trying to get pregnant. She thinks if we do fertility treatments, the meds they use might hyperstimulate me and cause me to bleed into my bladder. But she said there is a Lupon flare protocol they use which could quiet down the endo before doing the treatments. She said my best bet is to talk to my RE.
Oh and I found out if we want to go the IVF route, we would most likely not be accepted into the "pre-paid shared risk" program where you buy cycles upfront and get your money back if you don't get pregnant. I don't know if I could handle the stress of paying for it cycle by cycle and it not working and losing that money entirely.
But, I am putting the horse before the cart. Not even sure if IVF is an option. Not sure if having a baby is an option. And mostly worried about the monstrous mass on my bladder trying to invade it and eat me alive. lol.
My urologist never called my gyno. Thanks for the wonderful follow-up hot doc. You are now on my shit list. I guess this just doesn't seem all that important? I am desperately trying to get an appt to see my RE but they will not call me back to schedule it. I did talk to my ob/gyn today and told her the diagnosis myself and she spewed out a bunch of information about endo that I already knew from google. She also poo-pooed my use of google to get information. Yet all her information was the same as google. She confirmed my fear that if I go on Lupron it would be for 6 months. Of course I just KNEW it wouldn't be the 1 month or 3 month protocol. Then after Lupron I would have to go back on BC pills. I am not sure which part of "I am trying to get pregnant" she doesn't understand! But she says I should try to kick the endo's ass before trying to get pregnant. She thinks if we do fertility treatments, the meds they use might hyperstimulate me and cause me to bleed into my bladder. But she said there is a Lupon flare protocol they use which could quiet down the endo before doing the treatments. She said my best bet is to talk to my RE.
Oh and I found out if we want to go the IVF route, we would most likely not be accepted into the "pre-paid shared risk" program where you buy cycles upfront and get your money back if you don't get pregnant. I don't know if I could handle the stress of paying for it cycle by cycle and it not working and losing that money entirely.
But, I am putting the horse before the cart. Not even sure if IVF is an option. Not sure if having a baby is an option. And mostly worried about the monstrous mass on my bladder trying to invade it and eat me alive. lol.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Diagnoses, plural
After the surgery, I didn't hear back from my urologist (surgeon). I called my gyn in the meantime and told her about the surgery and that they didn't find an actual mass in my bladder. She told me very straightforwardly, it is a subserosal fibroid and there is not much they can do about it, because the risks of the surgery outweigh the benefits. I spent a good part of the day on google trying to find out everything I could about fibroids and how to shrink them naturally, and then spent a good deal of time (and money) in Whole Foods the next day buying everything under the sun that google recommended. This weekend I started a liver detox program and cut out all red meat and sugar and refined white foods in an effort to naturally shrink my fibroid. I figured I would finish out my 2 weeks of BC pills and then take a month to "detox" (meaning detox all excess estrogen from my body) and then we could move onto the IUI that we were planning months ago.
I was all prepared to tell my urologist how good I feel and our plans when I saw him today. But when the nurse came in to check my blood pressure she flipped through my chart and said something like "oh i'm sorry about the biopsy, the doctor will talk to you more about it." and she left the room!! I was like WTF?! Then the doctor comes in and tells me that the biopsy came back as endometriosis. He shows me the pictures of my bladder and how the endo on my uterus is "eating into" and "pushing through" my bladder. And then he said the words that doctors just can't seem to say to me enough times: "I've never seen this before" as he shows me that the endo is pushing through so much that my bladder is actually red and inflamed on the inside. Which is what is causing me so much pain and discomfort.
We don't have any next steps yet, he needs to have a pow wow with my other doctor and see if they agree that putting me on Lupron is the best protocol. Lupron basically shuts down all hormones and puts you into menopause. ooooh....which now I am thinking of a good aspect of that....does that mean I wouldn't have my period for 6 months? That could be the one, and only, good side effect. Of course, being on Lupron for 6 months (6 months seems to be the longest, but also most common length of time to be on the drug) means no TTC for 6 months. I am so confused and not sure what to do. I'll update after I hear back from my doctor.
I was all prepared to tell my urologist how good I feel and our plans when I saw him today. But when the nurse came in to check my blood pressure she flipped through my chart and said something like "oh i'm sorry about the biopsy, the doctor will talk to you more about it." and she left the room!! I was like WTF?! Then the doctor comes in and tells me that the biopsy came back as endometriosis. He shows me the pictures of my bladder and how the endo on my uterus is "eating into" and "pushing through" my bladder. And then he said the words that doctors just can't seem to say to me enough times: "I've never seen this before" as he shows me that the endo is pushing through so much that my bladder is actually red and inflamed on the inside. Which is what is causing me so much pain and discomfort.
We don't have any next steps yet, he needs to have a pow wow with my other doctor and see if they agree that putting me on Lupron is the best protocol. Lupron basically shuts down all hormones and puts you into menopause. ooooh....which now I am thinking of a good aspect of that....does that mean I wouldn't have my period for 6 months? That could be the one, and only, good side effect. Of course, being on Lupron for 6 months (6 months seems to be the longest, but also most common length of time to be on the drug) means no TTC for 6 months. I am so confused and not sure what to do. I'll update after I hear back from my doctor.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Surgery is over but ordeal is not
I had my cysto yesterday. Everything went well, the doctors, nurses and staff at Florham Park Surgery Center were more than wonderful. Went in at 10 am and my 11:30 was getting my anesthesia and by 1:00 I was up and getting ready to go home. So the good news is, there is no tumor in my bladder. The doctor went in with his scope and took some pictures (which he showed me...pretty gross to see a high def color picture of my insides). He said the "mass" is actually pushing into my bladder wall from my uterus. It actually looks like someone is taking their fist and pushing into my bladder from the outside of it. He said whatever it is (he thinks it is almost definitely endo) is not right and shouldn't be there and it is definitely what has been causing me pain. I am pretty sure he said he was going to f/u with my ob/gyn to discuss next steps. I asked if I would need a laproscopy but he didn't seem to know.
When I got home yesterday I felt okay, they gave me some painkiller which made me really sleepy and of course antibiotics too. I'll just be drugged up for a few days and then can resume my regular activities. Just taking it easy today!
When I got home yesterday I felt okay, they gave me some painkiller which made me really sleepy and of course antibiotics too. I'll just be drugged up for a few days and then can resume my regular activities. Just taking it easy today!
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