Too tired to cry

Do you ever feel so emotionally drained that you don't even have the strength to cry? I feel like I could use a good cry. I tried to make myself cry. I think one tear came out. You know something is wrong when I can't cry--I am the biggest baby and cry about anything, happy or sad. I am just spent.
My urologist never called my gyno. Thanks for the wonderful follow-up hot doc. You are now on my shit list. I guess this just doesn't seem all that important? I am desperately trying to get an appt to see my RE but they will not call me back to schedule it. I did talk to my ob/gyn today and told her the diagnosis myself and she spewed out a bunch of information about endo that I already knew from google. She also poo-pooed my use of google to get information. Yet all her information was the same as google. She confirmed my fear that if I go on Lupron it would be for 6 months. Of course I just KNEW it wouldn't be the 1 month or 3 month protocol. Then after Lupron I would have to go back on BC pills. I am not sure which part of "I am trying to get pregnant" she doesn't understand! But she says I should try to kick the endo's ass before trying to get pregnant. She thinks if we do fertility treatments, the meds they use might hyperstimulate me and cause me to bleed into my bladder. But she said there is a Lupon flare protocol they use which could quiet down the endo before doing the treatments. She said my best bet is to talk to my RE.
Oh and I found out if we want to go the IVF route, we would most likely not be accepted into the "pre-paid shared risk" program where you buy cycles upfront and get your money back if you don't get pregnant. I don't know if I could handle the stress of paying for it cycle by cycle and it not working and losing that money entirely.
But, I am putting the horse before the cart. Not even sure if IVF is an option. Not sure if having a baby is an option. And mostly worried about the monstrous mass on my bladder trying to invade it and eat me alive. lol.

Diagnoses, plural

After the surgery, I didn't hear back from my urologist (surgeon). I called my gyn in the meantime and told her about the surgery and that they didn't find an actual mass in my bladder. She told me very straightforwardly, it is a subserosal fibroid and there is not much they can do about it, because the risks of the surgery outweigh the benefits. I spent a good part of the day on google trying to find out everything I could about fibroids and how to shrink them naturally, and then spent a good deal of time (and money) in Whole Foods the next day buying everything under the sun that google recommended. This weekend I started a liver detox program and cut out all red meat and sugar and refined white foods in an effort to naturally shrink my fibroid. I figured I would finish out my 2 weeks of BC pills and then take a month to "detox" (meaning detox all excess estrogen from my body) and then we could move onto the IUI that we were planning months ago.
I was all prepared to tell my urologist how good I feel and our plans when I saw him today. But when the nurse came in to check my blood pressure she flipped through my chart and said something like "oh i'm sorry about the biopsy, the doctor will talk to you more about it." and she left the room!! I was like WTF?! Then the doctor comes in and tells me that the biopsy came back as endometriosis. He shows me the pictures of my bladder and how the endo on my uterus is "eating into" and "pushing through" my bladder. And then he said the words that doctors just can't seem to say to me enough times: "I've never seen this before" as he shows me that the endo is pushing through so much that my bladder is actually red and inflamed on the inside. Which is what is causing me so much pain and discomfort.
We don't have any next steps yet, he needs to have a pow wow with my other doctor and see if they agree that putting me on Lupron is the best protocol. Lupron basically shuts down all hormones and puts you into menopause. ooooh....which now I am thinking of a good aspect of that....does that mean I wouldn't have my period for 6 months? That could be the one, and only, good side effect. Of course, being on Lupron for 6 months (6 months seems to be the longest, but also most common length of time to be on the drug) means no TTC for 6 months. I am so confused and not sure what to do. I'll update after I hear back from my doctor.

Surgery is over but ordeal is not

I had my cysto yesterday. Everything went well, the doctors, nurses and staff at Florham Park Surgery Center were more than wonderful. Went in at 10 am and my 11:30 was getting my anesthesia and by 1:00 I was up and getting ready to go home. So the good news is, there is no tumor in my bladder. The doctor went in with his scope and took some pictures (which he showed me...pretty gross to see a high def color picture of my insides). He said the "mass" is actually pushing into my bladder wall from my uterus. It actually looks like someone is taking their fist and pushing into my bladder from the outside of it. He said whatever it is (he thinks it is almost definitely endo) is not right and shouldn't be there and it is definitely what has been causing me pain. I am pretty sure he said he was going to f/u with my ob/gyn to discuss next steps. I asked if I would need a laproscopy but he didn't seem to know.
When I got home yesterday I felt okay, they gave me some painkiller which made me really sleepy and of course antibiotics too. I'll just be drugged up for a few days and then can resume my regular activities. Just taking it easy today!

Why did I google?!

I got my pre-surgical paperwork in the mail and now at least I know what the name of the procedure is that I am having: a cysto TURBT. Warning: don't google it. All that comes up is stuff about bladder cancer! I understand this is the procedure they use to remove anything that MIGHT be a tumor but of course everything on google is about the tumors being cancerous. Also, it seems that although this is out-patient surgery, the recovery time might not be just one day as I hoped. I was all ready to go back to work the next day. Luckily that week is not one of my busier weeks. I am upset that the doctor doesn't give me more information. All I get is a checklist of things to avoid a week/a day before surgery. I have to go online and ONCE AGAIN be my own advocate and figure out how else to prep and what to expect afterward.
I am really getting nervous about this whole procedure now. It isn't even twilight anesthesia, it is general anesthesia, which I've had a bad reaction to before.
And to top it off, the pain has completely ceased. On my pain scale of 1-10 where it has always hovered around 1 or 2 on a good day...it is now at 0. So now I start to think, maybe it is going away on its own and this surgery is not even necessary! I know that can't be completely true, but my ob/gyn did say that if it was endometriosis of the bladder, the birth control pills would stop the pain. I guess there is no going back. Time to put on my brave face and keep moving ahead.

Slice of Life

Ah, more facebook pregnancy announcements. It's tough enough to read them, but then I torture myself and read the 50 comments posted below which all basically say the same thing. It doesn't just seem that everyone around me has a baby or is pregnant...it is actually the way things are! I guess that is what happens when you are 30! I was watching my favorite show Dexter (albeit, I am a season behind because we watch it on DVD rather than pay an extra $10 per month for showtime!). So in this season I am watching, his girlfriend gets KU. And she tells him that he can be a part of the baby's life or not, but either way, this baby is coming. It made me think--that I can either be angry, mad, bitter OR happy, grateful and blessed that my friends and family are having babies. Either way, the babies are coming. Being angry about it (or about my situation) is not going to stop or change anything. Why is it not surprising that I am taking advice from a show about a serial killer?
I am trying some new daily meditations...trying to change my outlook on things. I don't necessarily think it is as easy as putting my intentions out there and everything will change in my favor, but I do believe that changing my outlook will at least make my life more pleasant and bearable!

Crappy Anniversary

Our 6th wedding anniversary is approaching on October 5th. Every year we don't get to celebrate because there is always some event we have to go to. This year, there is another wedding that weekend, but at least it is on Friday the 2nd. So it just figures that SOMETHING would come up on October 5th, which is a Monday...of all days....the last day anything should come up.
Let's play....guess what got scheduled for Monday the 5th?
uh-huh. you guessed it! my surgery. I guess I should consider it lucky that it was not scheduled for the day of the wedding i have to attend.
all i have to say is keep it coming....whoever is in charge of this cruel joke, i can take it. you can't hold me down!!
On a happy note, I am keeping busy planning Gene's birthday surprise. He turns 35 on 12/14 so I am trying to plan something special....but it's a secret....!

Room for baby

I spent yesterday cleaning the baby's room. Okay, technically it shouldn't be called the baby's room until there is a baby to be put in it. We actually call it Hercules' room :) We have managed to turn it into a complete dumping ground over the past year....may as well call it Costco. So I cleaned it all up and organized the closet. I feel like it is more welcoming now. Maybe this is some sort of feng shui thinking I am invoking.
In other news, the doctor never called last week to schedule my surgery. I feel like they are taking their sweet ass time while I sit here uncomfortably waiting. The past few days weren't bad, but last night the pain scale went from 0-4. I woke up at 4 am to pee and couldn't get back to sleep for a while. It was like someone was stabbing me in the bladder with a knife. I finally fell asleep in some sort of fetal, yoga-ish position with the duvet shoved up my crotch. As though making it comfortable from the outside would really help the inner pains!
In other yoga-related news, my yoga instructor left Prana Yoga :( I tried the new instructor but didn't like her as much. Seemed like to much of a workout and I'm really there just to stretch. I've found the best position for my back to fall asleep in is tree position, but a laying down version (obviously I am not sleeping standing up!). Try it sometime if your hips are tight....it really loosens things up!